THIS IS QUARANTINE
A TIME CAPSULE CAPTURING 150 PORTRAITS of different quarantine experiences from individuals around the world. Photos were shot remotely via zoom from my home in Costa Rica during COVID-19.
“With Alexandra’s empowering words, encouragement and love, I completely relaxed into the experience and started to feel sexy and beautiful.”
This project is unlike any work I’ve ever attempted: it contains portraits with a documentary aesthetic, but the approach is different. It is a sum of its parts: a conversation pre-photo session, the shoot itself, and space for aftercare. I learned how to use zoom’s screen share function and began directing people through their phones. Normally, my skill lies within the ability to access and put people at ease in front of the camera. However, these quarantine-photos required more collaboration, responsibility, and vulnerability from my subjects than any creative endeavor I’ve experienced before. It taught me how to speak about what I see instead of executing my ideas with a natural subconscious fluidity. It taught me how to convey a vibe without being present. Most importantly I’ve settled into an epic surrendering of control.
The result is a range of images that are unique to the individuals’ experiences during this unsettling time. The portraits are staged balancing on chairs, trees, crystals, or human tripods, but each photo has truth to it because we are limited to our spaces which are an extension of us. One may choose to push their boundaries by depicting a real and intimate aspect of their life or orchestrate their own absurd quarantine-fantasy. I want the people I collaborate with to feel no pressure to be someone they are not, nor confined to being seen as less than the most fabulous pandemic-versions of themselves. Ultimately, this series is about a moment in time -- but just as much, it’s about catharsis. The resulting collection over the past 150 days represents a raw insight into our current situation and a memory of this moment for our future selves.
1
"I'm quarantined in Chicago, IL at my guys house. The worst part about waking up is not being able to see my family and friends. Not being able to go places I'm naturally use to taking advantage. The best part is appreciating my own and that I'm alive."
Bee Thomas - Chicago, Illinois
2
"I’m in quarantine in Willow, Alaska with my Father, Stepmother, and Stepsister. It’s scary because as someone who feels things especially deeply, the hardest is for me not be able to visit my friends and loved ones and be a comfort to them. I live for loving others. My silver lining is that I am able to hug close my family that is here with me every day. I am blessed to be surrounded by the Alaskan wilderness, which can be vast and harsh but also SO very beautiful. I cling to the solace I find in this gorgeous isolation, and the sun breaking though the gray and cutting away at the cold against my skin reminds me that everything has a season. This cruel, ravaging season will come to pass, so brace yourself, dig your roots deeper down and hold on, we will get through this."
Jennifer Marshall - Willow, Alaska
3
"I came to Utah during the quarantine for one reason and one reason only. Family. Growing up mormon, here in Utah family is everything. Nothing brings comfort in hard times like all of us snuggled up in our parents bet watching movies. This is the home we built when I was 3 years old. The memories and safety I feel when I’m here is unlike anywhere else. My family and I are best friends. I’m lucky to live in a home full of laughter and love. It’s not till I step through the door of my home do I really appreciate amazing it is to have a home and a family like mine in these times."
Sunni Holmberg - Salt Lake City, Utah
4
"My idea of “alone time” is being in a crowd of strangers. Come to think of it, I’ve spent more hours inside my home in the past few weeks than I have collectively spent here since I moved in. The top of my shoulders are sunburnt from wandering around my neighborhood for so many hours a day. If only I had known that sunscreen was an Austin, TX quarantine essential before this all began."
GG - Austin, Texas
5
"We've been in quarantine for a couple of weeks together, and we share raising a child together. The government closed all the educational institutions so it's 3 of us at home with the cats and our dog. During the last weeks we've experienced a lot of emotions and sensations related to living in the same space 24/7. As a couple we had several hard moments in which we've wanted to run away and for our son, a six year old, it's been very hard getting used to not going out. It has affected his emotions and we've been almost wanting to crawl up the walls. It continues to be a hard process for everyone at home, even more since we don't know how much more time we have to be in quarantine... We've always been very social, we are very anxious people, and both with a STRONG character so this represents a big challenge for us. Nonetheless everything is a lesson and listening, respecting and loving has been the foundation to move forward day by day."
Fernanda Ureña & Melissa Bellis - San José, Costa Rica
6
"I’m from the US, but I live in Germany and I’m spending quarantine at my boyfriend’s apartment in Berlin. We’ve been isolating for about 3 weeks now. I still have some of my work online, so most days I’m on my laptop and cooking in my pajamas, but I miss special occasions and collaborating creatively, opportunities to make things special. Alexandra has photographed me for over 10 years, and there’s always an element of fantasy and extravagance in the images. I was so excited to hunt around the apartment to put together a look with what I had here. While the experience of quarantine is keeping everyone apart, it made my day to do something familiar with my best friend- get dressed up and take pictures!"
Margot Kinscherff - Berlin, Germany
7
“This room has been my island in the storm. My thoughts are written all over the walls and it honestly feels like the entire world has been put on pause, just long enough to ask each of us, what are you living for? I’ve spent the past 17 days trying to answer that question. And for me, it’s the need to create. COV-19 has been a setback, this is true. But as an artist, my job is to reflect the times. Good or bad. By hook or crook. And in this process, I’ve learned that to be exceptional, you have to work what you’ve got. Right now, it’s this room. No hair, no makeup, no fancy studio lights. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade.”
Franki Phoenix - Austin, Texas
8
"I'm from Costa Rica, during this quarantine I came to my home in Esparza, where I grew up, it's been difficult to see my country paralyzed with diverse negative situations that happen in the community. I study medicine and I was part of the isolation program, it's been hard to adjust to the new class methods and evaluations, but at least I have this beautiful space where I can reside and meditate. I feel lucky for the place where I live in this moment. I walk, I feed animals, I play with my dog and read under the shadow of the trees. I hope after this global battle, we are touched and become more human, become more rational and value things from a place of simplicity." -
Dago - San Jose, Costa Rica
9
I am quarantined alone in my lovely apartment in baton Rouge LA. Life had been a roller-coaster for a while so its actually nice to spend quiet time with myself and replenish. I worry about my family in Mexico but I try to stay positive. My days are busy teaching my kindergarteners online so I keep it professional on-top and a party in the bottom!"
Enid Mruiz - Los Angeles, California
10
"My name is Kate and I’m sheltered at my home in Austin, TX. I met Alexandra in Costa Rica last year at a dance troupe’s annual "Ignite Your Inner Flame" fire workshop. Connecting with dancers all over the world via social media, WhatsApp & Zoom has kept me sane in these times while COVID-19 has forced us all apart. Even though we are socially distant I feel very emotionally connected because of our shared dance inspiration. It helps keep me creative and sane."
Kate - Austin, Texas
11
"I’m gratefully quarantined with my boyfriend in Talkeetna, Alaska. We had actually decided to break up before the world went to shit and this has brought us back to a place where we want to love and take care of each other. It feels surreal to basically be half a world away from my home in the Florida Keys, but it’s also really easy to isolate yourself here and that gives me a sense of safety. Right now I’m using books and video chatting with friends and family to fend off the panic that’s always fighting to take over.
Trying to figure out how to enjoy this time of rest. I’m cooking, making art, reading, taking walks through the snow and honestly just spending my days doing things I never really had much time for before. I try to find solace in the fact that our Mother Earth is finally able to take much needed break, like a huge sigh of relief."
Shayla Dawn - Talkeetna, Alaska
12
"My husband & I are located just outside Detroit, Michigan. We've been in lock down since March 14th. Our health is good but, our age compromises us. I have never been reminded so often we are "SENIORS” and must stay home by our concerned children. We feel lucky to be in love, in a beautiful environment, walking everyday, reading, watching the news and in contact with family. Our youngest daughter visits, outside, 8 feet away… I miss hugs. For the most part, we are living our quiet life with love and laughter.
Our worries are for the people in 3rd World Countries where social distancing and washing hands frequently is impossible. We worry for the small business owner that has their life invested in a dream that may not make it. It makes tears come to my eyes for all the people that live hand to mouth and are told to stay inside… no work… no income. We are very disappointed in the countries leadership but, proud of the strength of Americans.I’m sure we are not alone, as we stay at home, doing our small part wishing we could do so much more."
Bonnie & Paul (My Mom & Dad) - Detroit, Michigan
13
"My name is Indrani and this is me in my room in a 100 year old Bengali house in the ‘City of Joy’ Kolkata, India. This quarantine has been a life changing experience for me. First of all, it has shown me how privileged I am. A huge percentage of my countrymen are daily wage laborer’s who cannot work now amidst the nation-wide lockdown and have no food to eat. Many don’t even have homes to quarantine in. A lockdown is like making a choice between dying from a virus vis-a-vis dying from hunger. We are a 130-crore population. For example, my state of Bengal (not even a very big state) has more people than Spain and Italy put together. If this virus once goes out of hand here, millions & millions will die. So, this quarantine has been an eye-opener really, a time for gratitude for all that I have and a time when all of those like me are coming together to buy basic essential stuff for the ones suffering the most. My queer community friends are trying to support the poorest of the poor and the most marginalized transwomen community, specifically the sex workers and beggars and day wage laborer’s.
Apart from all this, at a very personal level, I have just come out of a 19yr marriage so this crucial ‘me-time’ was desperately required. Until now I have been a person who is known to be the extreme extrovert. The dynamic person at work and the crazy night club hopping person by night. I live around people. Friends are my life. So I expected myself to be suffocated in this quarantine. But you know what? It’s quite the opposite. I am home with my Mom after 20 years and feeling at peace. Maybe I was searching for solace in chaos all this while and finally finding the calm within myself? I’m now simply feeling lucky to be single and quarantining without demanding husbands and screaming kids! -You know, doing whatever dafuq I want and whenever I want to… Much love from 16,300 Kms away to Alexandra’s fiery soul for doing this project!"
Indrani Kar - Kolkata, India
14
"South Africa is in full lock-down. It feels apocalyptic, surreal and yet from my privileged balcony- peaceful. We have the strongest restrictions in the world thus far. Which means walking the dogs, going to the beach or into nature, the sale of cigarettes and alcohol is all illegal. What a strange time to be alive.
It has been a reflective time, and what makes me feel better is practicing gratitude. From the small things, like my morning coffee and watching birds fly over head, to the comfort the comfort of a spacious house. I fear for our countries poor who are and will suffer the most from this. Although I know globally we’re all in this together, which is in some ways comforting, it still feels like a difficult time for my mental health.
I miss my family who aren’t in the city I live in. I long to hug and embrace the ones I love again. Things don’t feel like they will ever be ‘normal’ again. But I believe there will be a conscious shift: in the way we live and see our world, our realities and our relationships. I’m patient and grateful for these changes and although I'm scared, I'm excited to see what the future holds."
Kelly Grobler - Cape Town, South Africa
15
I’m from Costa Rica, but normally I don’t stay in one place. Quarantine has equaled severe torture for me. I'm spending it in Quepos, and I live in a very small apartment with my boyfriend. Every day that goes by is like a forever nightmare; I'm trying to find mental stability, but my thoughts take over often.
Just when I felt some love come back into my heart this pandemic turned my life upside down. It’s been a big test for a new relationship. But I know that with deep love there is always suffering, and I say that word particularly because I suffer when I think of my kids every second. It destroys me not to have them by my side. I’m trying to look at this moment as a big lesson to really discover where we want to be as a family and what are the changes I need to evolve. I try to wake up every day with a positive attitude, listen to music, draw and do a little work out. Trying to keep it together.”
Yahaira - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
16
"I’m quarantined in Barcelona, Spain with my flat mate. Solitude is not difficult for me, I like it. There’s a relief in not having to participate in the world for a while. However, I’ve found it challenging to turn this time into a meditation, or a detox, or a chance to do yoga and get things done. I know others benefit from that right now, but I don’t.
They feel like a denial or a distraction which I just can’t tolerate. The first couple of weeks were tough, but I’ve settled into myself now. Whether you attend to it or not, I think the gravity of what is happening in the world right now is really draining and so old habits have resurfaced… I’ve become nocturnal again, smoking more, eating less.
For now though, that’s fine and I don’t beat myself up over it. I’m in week four of quarantine and there will be at the very least four more weeks ahead; this is a mental marathon not a sprint. So I’m trying not to be completely consumed by it all, but I prefer to grapple with the reality of what is happening and all the feelings that come with it, always with a generous dose of morbid humor."
Saya - Barcelona, Spain
17
"A traumatic childhood made chaos feel like home to me. As an adult, I have sought out situations of uncertainty and danger. I spent my professional life split between two fields: the strip club and the academy, both environments of constant rejection and zero promises. After a dark-ass run in both of these fields, I alchemized my skills into my current business, Stripcraft, where I lead a community of women in the reclamation of their power through sensual expression and general hilarity.
For the last several years, the majority of my income has come through hosting retreats. The majority of my revenue is travel-based. I made enough money to turn my whole life around hosting these events. I even bought my first home. This pandemic has disabled that line of revenue for an undetermined amount of time, and I have hit the ground running in pivoting my business to an online model that replaces my lost income. So far, so good. I thrive in the storm. I view this hardship as an opportunity. For me, there is no other way. To wallow in horror would be a luxury I cannot afford. I’m a fighter above all things."
Lux - Atlanta, Georgia
18
"Living in quarantine feels like living in the movie 'Groundhog Day.' Every morning I wake up with an understanding that I need to constantly and consciously manage my mental health so I don’t fall into the repetitious pit of stagnancy. Those of us who struggle with depression know that can be a very dark pit and very difficult to escape from. Just before quarantine, we were one final step away from closing on our forever home and starting the next chapter of our lives as a family.
Now we wait, a month past our closing date with all of our belongings in boxes and bags, for the IRS to finish processing stimulus checks and tax returns. Only when that’s finished can we speak to someone about getting the paperwork we need to finalize the sale. This is our quarantine. This is limbo. While the fate of my family is out of my control, I realize the only thing essential is them. Their health and happiness are what gets me out of bed. Nothing has ever motivated me the way the love that is so alive in this tiny, barren apartment does”
Brittany Potter - Richmond, Virginia
19
"I live in Cedar Park, north west of Austin, TX. We've been sheltering in place for weeks and the order was just extended again. I teach art to kids after school and my company furloughed me along with 200 other people. Thankfully they filed for mass unemployment for everyone. Everything that's happening has made me turn my focus inwards, I'm facing myself, my codependency and tendency to attract narcissists, taking free online courses including one called "The Science of Well Being" which is helping me maintain a healthy mental state. I'm afraid of not finding work since so many are looking and I'm falling back into severe depression.
To keep it at bay I'm journaling every night before bed as I feel tied up in complex emotional knots every day. I'm so grateful for my room mate and the 7 pets, 3 cats and 4 dogs, who are so loving during this hug-less, affection-less time. I hope humanity learns a lot from this and makes healthy changes to prevent this multifaceted devastation in the future. Until then, I have my pets, garden, books, instruments, art, tv, lessons, and internet to keep me busy. Hope for everyone to find something to channel their energy in to..."
Heather Ross - Austin, Texas
20
Yo soy la Barbie Apocalíptica,
Ai! Ai! Ai! 😮
I am the Apocalyptic Barbie,
Ai! Ai! Ai! 😮
Lucha Clara Alma - Mexico DF, Mexico
21
"Our Quarantine experience has been similar to our pre-quarantine experience. Many times as a couple who live and work together it is difficult to imagine an existence or even a dark hued understanding of self prior to being with your partner. We feel that sometimes that is also the experience of living in quarantine, and maybe that is the dance we choose to play as partners in our regular life prior to this pandemic; choosing to smoke, meditate, and collaborate on unknowns, because we never truly know whats coming.
This is especially true as we expand on our knowledge of self, spirituality, and love. We find ourselves in our bedroom less and in our living spaces more as we navigate being in our house, homeschooling our son, working on podcast episodes, working full time jobs from home, and continuing to process. Our creative space has maximized, and our private space has shrunk, but it is vital to remind ourselves that the new "normal" is simply the new now."
Barakah & Shaun - Austin, Texas
23
"My name is Ryan Slattery, I’m a writer, 39 years old, currently living in Hanoi. Vietnam was first affected by COVID-19 in early January. Been some form of restrictions since then. Generally I appreciate the police presence and how the government has been handling the situation here. I live in a beautiful home with three amazing women. Our time sharing space, though not without challenges, has brought us closer together. We started cooking communal meals, playing board games and watching movies together.
Embracing my introvert I spend more time in my room, creating space within space, I turned it into a small theater. Reading and writing during the day, binge watching movies at night. The local markets here are still open and flourishing and I’ve switched to a primarily vegetarian diet eating and sourcing locally. Still smoking about to pack a day and consuming donuts whenever possible. Life is about balance. Hope you find yours."
Ryan James - Hanoi, Vietnam
24
"Under lockdown in Cape Town, South Africa. I'm not entirely sure how many days it's been... I'm learning to take each as it comes, to trust myself and to observe my needs. Easier said than done. Every day, I'm reminded that so many things coexist: thoughts, emotions, relationships; struggles, challenges and upsets; gratitude, compassion and empathy. I'm experiencing a multifaceted and multilayered mourning, with varying intensity, and my surrender to the unknown is met with different degrees of acceptance and/or resistance.
There's a lot of questioning. I don't even remember each day. I feel guilty about being exhausted, shame about wanting to play. I miss live performance and other collaborative art so much. Being part of this project was surprisingly connective and restorative. I love photoshoots and filming, but forgot just how much I enjoy it. I wasn't having a great day. I was coming out of a shame spiral. I was fresh out the shower, and after a brief chat with Ali, I was reminded that not knowing is okay. Being neither here nor there is okay. Just being is okay."
Vita Nova - Cape Town, South Africa
25
"My Quarantine started before it really hit the island... I started to feel sick traveling back to my home in St. Croix in the Virgin Islands, after a music festival in Costa Rica. I was told to isolate and wait for the Health Department to contact me. They eventually did say I was fine...but when I later asked for my COVID19 results to be emailed, they told me they never ran the test. I fought this virus for 5 weeks as it eventually compromised my respiratory system. This phase demanded spiritual and holistic action. Much like staying sane during this pandemic.
Everyday I have a choice to take action nourishing my mental and spiritual health. I believe both are dance partners, influenced by each other. Morning ritual is essential. I am blessed to share a beautiful bungalow with my partner which has been a canvas to create expression through dance, flow and meditation. Loving myself and showing up for him, helping anyway I can while he works for both of us right now. This has only brought us closer as we learn to communicate and support each-other's needs while on difference sides of the spectrum. We are a team. Highs and lows, feeling and processing fear of the unknown. Listening in stillness." -
Grace Lorraine - St. Croix, Virgin Islands
26
“For the past 5 years, friends and lovers have come and gone from my life with the only real constant being my family and my rabbit William. Rabbits are incredibly social creatures that require a lot of patient interaction. As i was traveling a lot for work previous to quarantine, I never really had the time to give him what i felt was the right amount of attention for such a social animal.
Since I work in tech, my actual financial and professional situation hasn't changed at all thankfully. Other than social isolation and less travel, the major change Covid-19 has brought on is the fact that I finally have time to give to my friend and practice Kung fu. I've never really had enough money to have extravagant hobbies or go out all the time so these things while nice, haven't honestly been missed. Certainly I miss life outside of the house, but its finally paired down the distractions that got in the way of a meaningful relationship with my pet."
Josh - Austin, Texas
27
"This quarantine has resurfaced my teenage self. Throughout the financial turmoil of my childhood, I learned how to find beauty from the confines of my bedroom. I’d escape into art books and magazines. I’d paint shoe boxes bright colors because it made me happy. I’ve always been proud of my ability to make something from nothing.
As ambulances scream by, I find myself staring at a pitcher of yellow tulips. They were just beginning to droop as my boss called and read a script that said I’m on furlough for 3 months. I wear bright colors and read about architecture. I soak beans and chop vegetables. I patch holes in the walls and sand down layers of bumpy paint. After decades of financial anxiety, I’m surprised I feel this calm. But for now, I’m going to chase sunbeams with the cat and hope that everything will work out."
Kathleen Olsen - Chicago, Illinois
28
"I live on my own, in the same town I grew up with my family and friends. Covid-19 required all of us to stop working and as a tour guide there are no opportunities in this line of work. My country depends on tourism and it’s one of our primary sources of economic stability, but in terms of health we have been fighting this pandemic very efficiently!
Costa Rica is one of the best places in Central America to feel safe. However, elders are emotionally isolated and many of them in my town don't know what to do with a cellphone. They are poor people with no access to internet, no job, nothing to eat. Then there are a few people like me with more privileges that allow us to pretend we are on a retreat instead of suffering like most humans of this world...The first days I ate all the peanut butter I could find and gave in to cravings, but then I chose to harness my mind. I do have anxiety unable to be free. It’s normal for Costa Ricans to be outside and in nature, not having access to all the beauty is shocking for me and I struggle with anyone telling me what to do.
Thankfully I appreciate the incredible oasis my terrace is. I started to spend most of my day there, looking at the mountains, listening to birds, watching butterflies, writing, reading, eating, honoring myself. I will never forget this crucial time in humanity's history."
Ingrid - San Jose, Costa Rica
29
"In this quarantine I’ve seen in friends as much as in me, the big weight that it is to experience the restrictions that this virus enforces. As a vegan/antiespecista person, this time has given me a lot to reflect upon. -Yes, it’s valid for us to feel locked up and suffering as uncertainty climbs, but this position makes me think more of the non-human animals. Those who only know cages and the cruelty. For us being locked up is something new and yet we have many privileges in the middle of our “confinement”, with support systems, friends and entertainment, but the non-human animals? Those who are caged in zoos with the excuse of entertaining humans or in labs where their autonomy is taken from them to produce stuff for us? Those who are in slaughterhouses since the first moment to be raped and steal their milk and eggs until they are killed to turn them into meat? Being human is also a privilege to question, our empathy is still radically limited.
Although it is important that we stand in solidarity with those humans who are in difficult situations in these times, it is also important that we see beyond the species, beyond those who look like us… May this quarantine serve us to reflect on the space we take up in this world, the cruelty we inflict on nature, and see how we can move forward to seek a better life beyond ourselves.”
So So - San Jose, Costa Rica
30
"In June I will have lived in Cairo, Egypt for 2 years... I dreamed for so long to be here and be a bellydance performer full time. Although is exciting, sometimes it can be challenging. Now with COVID-19 it's a whole new level of vulnerability far from what's familiar. We have been sitting at home since March and now this current month with Ramadan (the most important festival for Islam), this is our normal vacation month. Nightlife is forbidden, as is dance and alcohol, but now everything is unsure with all of us jus sitting for 2 months and maybe two more without work.
Many girls have returned home, others have left their homes to move in with friends and others we are waiting alone like me. My quarantine phrase to get over every day is; "one day at the time." I focus myself on resolving what I can. I also try to get myself somehow busy with workout, classes, reading, TV but sometimes I cant even get out of bed, and that is ok too... We are humans and this is new for all of us."
Sara - Cairo, Egypt
31
"I’m quarantined in Santa Barbara, CA. I was a server at a high end restaurant here so I’m currently unemployed. They told us to plan for 2 weeks. That was 7 weeks ago.
I was also doing some book-keeping for an 82 year old triathlete and powerhouse female entrepreneur. In a case of really bad timing, she developed a respiratory infection following a surgery right after the virus hit our area and now needs round the clock care. I’ve been staying in her spare bedroom, preparing meals, and keeping track of the revolving door of medical staff coming through the house. It’s heartbreaking to see that youth and vigor sucked out of her overnight… and it’s a scary time for her to spend so much time in hospitals. We wear masks even in the house because her doctors want us to be super cautious.
It’s difficult being away from home so much, but other than that, I’m kind of embracing the ‘pause’ at this time in my life. I haven’t put on jeans or fixed my hair in weeks. I’ve befriended a local raven because I spend so much time sitting on the front porch he comes to sit with me now, okay probably also because I bribe him with walnuts..."
Lane - Santa Barbara, California
32
"My son, Peter is not a very good swallower. He has a feeding tube for nutrition. When he gets a cold, we have to be very careful to keep it from progressing to pneumonia. He is someone who is medically fragile, a with a long list of what the doctors call comorbidities. The H1N1 influenza pandemic put him in the hospital.•This was the year I was finally going to visit China! On the day I drove to Houston in January to pick up to my visa stamped passport, I listened to the WHO declare SARS-COV2 (Coronavirus) a global health emergency. Right then, I knew the trip was not happening. So, I switched from practicing tourist Chinese on Duolingo to learning about this new disease. I came home to Austin, talked with my ex-wife, Melissa and we decided that we needed to lock things down around Peter.
Of course, this has also meant that we lost all of Peter’s caregiver help. That, combined with no school, has meant that for the last 7 weeks, Melissa and I have taken turns being Peter’s 100% caregivers. We basically split 72-hour shifts. Sometimes all three of us are together for a few hours. Peter loves it. He definitely prefers having his people together. For me, it’s really complicated.
As a special needs parent, there is no normal. There is only typical. We spend our lives caring for his medical and physical needs, but also making sure that Peter ‘lives large’. For a non-verbal quadriplegic, that means giving him experiences and interactions that enrich his life. We live in downtown Austin, so that we can roll around and experience the city. I run with Peter on the Lady Bird Lake Trail. He loves to see everyone, and flirt with all the cute young women.•He’s got game! Not sure where he learned it from, but I know it was not me.•Keeping Peter safe has been our number one priority. I’ve self-isolated from everyone but him and Melissa. It is lonely and exhausting. But I also know that we are lucky. We are safe and healthy."
Danielle Skidmore - Austin, Texas
33
"I’m in quarantine with my roommate and kitty. It’s been almost two months now. I am grateful for the space this has given me to learn and create, although it definitely has come with challenges. Some moments I’m reading, writing, painting, gardening, crafting, baking, or dancing. Other moments I’m getting lost in my thoughts and crying.
The other day, I shook someone’s hand out of reflex when we introduced ourselves. It was exciting. Afterwards, I had thoughts of fear and also realized how much I miss human contact.
Some moments feel destructive and difficult to be in, others feel soothing and come with a strong desire to create. It’s been an introspective and chaotic time. I’m just trying to ride the waves."
Sacha Suave - Chicago, Illinois
34
“By the time the doctors found it, they thought the tumor had been growing for years. It had pieces of calcification in it, which lit the x-ray up like bone. The MRI revealed even more. What was supposed to be just another appointment to urgent care to take care of bronchitis or pneumonia or some other kind of upper respiratory infection, quickly morphed into an ER visit and a 4 a.m. diagnosis of lung cancer. I left everything in my apartment in DC and came home to Massachusetts just as COVID was beginning to hit. Doctors made it apparent: this was a race against the clock. Hospital protocols quickly begun to change — and by the time I finished all of my pre-op biopsies and pet scans and respiratory testing, I was the only one left in the waiting room the day I went in to get my lung removed. My parents — bless them — dropped me off outside of the glass hospital doors. They weren’t allowed past the curb. They picked me up, in the same spot, a week later. More floors were being converted into COVID wings, day by day. I can’t tell you for how many days Massachusetts has been on lockdown.
This entire month has been one cosmic blur of sleeping and pain management and love and luck and listening to the birds sing outside my window. I’m learning to breathe deeply again, and my old brown dog has been by my side the whole time. My spirits are buoyant, and I just feel lucky— it’s the truth. The timing of this all feels nothing short of divine intervention, and the prognosis is really good. The guest room in my childhood home has become something like my quiet kingdom — a stark departure from the daily waking world I had created of dear friends and lovers and parties and adventures — but the stillness is good and needed in this moment. I do feel more change is coming, and these moments of quiet strengthening will help me find shape in what lies ahead.”
Robin Miniter - Massachusetts, US
35
“Solitude has been a space of healing and learning. I've never enjoyed my space and myself this much. Living solitude as solitude and not as desolation has been a gift, having the opportunity to construct for myself a reality where I'm self-reliant and happy, without losing the consciousness that this is a hard moment for everyone. At the same time I’m finding my shadow-self and my internal enemies. I'm trying to fight to keep myself in learning and not fear. Regardless of profoundly missing my loved ones, my spaces of liberation, flirting, dancing, sexual wooing, having adventures at night, kissing someone passionately and letting the night surprise me, the most difficult is none of us knows or understands really what we are each going through but we are all in this at the same time. It's a human connection that no one can explain. I can't explain it either, but I can live it one day at a time, trying to be here now.”
Maria - San Jose, Costa Rica
36
"I remember the day before Portland shutdown I was on a tinder date- and he was (overly) explaining to me that the entire situation is “hyperbole media hype”, that it will all blow over in a week....The city felt different that night, it was empty, people wouldn't make eye contact if you did see someone else, whispers of the future filling the air of the last bar I was in.
Oregon has only had almost 3k cases and 109 deaths, like most of the PNW, Portland has been really proactive. All the data and statistics being said, still feels like an episode of Black Mirror. I moved to Portland nearly a year ago this month actually. I moved to Portland May 27th 2019, from NYC, for a job. I haven't really built an entire community for myself however I've made really close friends here with the climbing community. My family is from Michigan, my brother had COVID for a month now and is still struggling. Michigan isn't allowing people under the age of 60 into the hospitals and encouraging them to get better at home. Aside from being new to Portland, this entire situation is so alienating.
I am beginning to feel so emotionally drained- there is no separation from COVID anywhere, it’s at work (I work in disaster relief and aid.) Its online, it’s on social media, its in every conversation we have. I miss touching my friends, hugging, laughing. I miss sex. I miss being in a crowded bar full of people and I even miss being bumped into from time to time. I miss crowded bathrooms and I miss my climbing gym. The last thing I will say is, I've done solitary. I've lived abroad outside the US for the last ten years. I am so good on my own. The difference is - this solitary is government mandated; this solitude isn't my choice - it's no one’s choice. I read an article on collective grief, and the stress from uncertainty. That is the hardest part for me personally. When does it end? and what does it look like?"
Shayna - Portland, Oregon
37
"Posting this photo is scary. “This is inappropriate.” “This is unprofessional.” “This is shameful.” “This can be used against you.” “People will judge you – and your body.” These are all things I’ve been taught to feel about a photo of myself like this being made public. But I have been getting to know the stirrings of my heart, my mind, my soul, and damn do I love my body. A few months ago, I started to touch every piece of me from my toes to my head, thanking it for holding all of me. I love my sensuality. I love my femininity. I love being womxn. And I love the power in all of that — it’s my power.
This time of sheltering in place has been an opportunity to watch myself. I’m able to map my autonomic nervous system, see continued patterns of behavior and how I sabotage myself within them. I affirm how dancing importantly moves energy and brings me into a state of joy and connection. I’m keeping up with consistent ritual unlike I’ve ever been able to do. I’ve also been cutting my own hair, finally embracing the wildness of my Ashkenazi curls. I love how they hang down in this photo, like a crown framing my head.
My wild crown of curls…I’m quarantined with my roommates in San Francisco, who are like family, but I miss my friends. I miss my tribe. I deeply miss touch, and this has lead me to want to be seen. I want you to see me.
See me, I said, see me wild.”
Carey Averbook - San Fransisco, California
38
“We have been partners for 18yrs, but since the pandemic started, we have been in each other's presence for less than two weeks. During the first half of March 2020 when COVID-19 broke loose and was taking stride in DC, we took a calculated risk and decided to go visit our aging parents - not knowing how long this would actually last. One set of parents lives in Arizona, the other in Baltimore. In order for us to visit both sets of parents without potentially sickening or worse killing someone; we were bound to weeks of strict self-imposed quarantine measures.
We finally reunited just in time for the beginning of Ramadan after 1.5 months of separation. In the days we've spent together, not only are we getting acclimated to our new world of unknowing, we are also being forced to explore the new terrain of our relationship. It seems every day there is a new challenge that requires us to reflect on what we actually know about each other and develop tools to maintain balance while confined to our space. This means constantly redefining how we exist with one another under one roof against the backdrop of COVID-19, which warrants some real fear especially given that one of us has underlying health vulnerabilities.
The extended time away from each other in the midst of a pandemic was not easy—it came with unexpected ups and downs; not only emotionally, but physically as well. Now that we are safely back in each other's arms, after feeling as if it may never happen soon enough, we know nothing is too big for us as a couple to over come."
Jaani Ki Jaan & Ebony Bates - Washington, D.C.
39
"We are quarantined in Surfside, Texas. We have been in a 4-hour distance relationship since we met exactly a year ago. I work half my normal hours virtually allowing me to travel from Austin to Surfside to visit Paige every few days.
This quarantine has given us extra time together and being on the beach with full access to mother nature is a huge gift in which we soak up every moment! The personal and universal anxieties of the future have a place to exist without losing our overall joy for life that is found in feeling so supported by each other… It’s been one year and yet having her feels so new and ever evolving. This relationship has taught me about loving someone in a way I have never known. Not just love for her but also love for myself. The more vulnerable I am, the more I experience the totality of her love. She reminds me to honor and accept myself and my truth. It is in this co-created safe space that we play like children, laugh and cry more than I ever knew was possible with another being. She sees all of me and I feel whole. My daily world is now one with the ocean, the birds, the jellyfish and all the trees. Happy Anniversary babe! I love you beyond!"
Melody - Surfside, Texas
40
"Even as a kid, I remember feeling so much pressure it was hard to breathe. I don't think I knew how to breathe correctly and would hold my breath often. As an adult, this feeling follows me. When someone else isn't getting onto me, I'm doing it to myself… This quarantine isn't such a bad thing for me. I'm finding it alleviates a lot of pressure; unfortunately, that isn't the case for many people, and I can’t relate because I function better this way.
I've been living in the same place with my grandparents since I was 13. I know there is an expectation to go out and see new places with new people. I feel like people think I should leave before it’s too late, or maybe they think I'm too late… I do get lonely a lot of the time, and part of me loves to be around humans, but sometimes that feels too much, too. I run my energy down and spread myself thin trying to see everyone and do everything. Despite a quarantine, people still have demands for company and attention. There is pressure to download things and socialize with people on a screen. Sometimes I want to just be...
I wish others would please find their peace, get to know themselves. Find a passion. I’m not excited to go back to traffic, back to capitalism, back to a society that leans on you so heavily it crushes you beneath it. I rather take care of my grandfather and stay fluid as a river."
Niles - Austin, Texas
41
"I'm quarantined in Detroit where I was born and raised... Most days I feel nothing. It's stagnant to wake up and I think... again really? ... I have to do this again?
I use to wake up everyday with a feeling that anything and everything could happen. I have a lot of energy. Now I just try to make myself feel something different. •More and more excitement but... It doesn't make a change. ••I hurt myself but it doesn't hurt.
I buy what I want but I don't want it.
I do what I like but I feel not here."
Alexander - Detroit, Michigan
42
"I do not know what day of quarantine it is. I'm from Costa Rica, Quepos. We are staying in, beaches closed, with only one case of covid-19. There's a few people on the streets everyday. People still going out except for those protecting their elders.
I miss going out with my friends. I miss going out to parties and losing myself in dance. I miss meeting new people. Sometimes I allow myself to see my best friend, it feels necessary for my sanity to have a normal night smoking some weed and listening to the sea. We talk about how lucky we are being in this country. Without an army, us Ticos always get this idea that we are free of the world's restrictions and do whatever we want because we are a country of peace. It's hard to imagine that if we were in another country we might always be trapped inside with fear...
I try to picture myself as Aphrodite alone in my room because we will all feel reborn altered after this virus, and the loss. -Until then; "Viendo hacia la nada, pensando en todo." (Looking into nothing, thinking of everything.)
Danny - Quepos, Costa Rica
43
"I am in isolation alone in Cape Town, South Africa. The last two months of lockdown have been an intense encounter with myself and the transitions I am making in my life. In the month before the pandemic, I resigned from my job, ending a ten year career in public health research. I moved into a new home, ready to begin dedicating my life as a full-time artist.
The first week was filled with anticipation and excitement; more time to make art and create a home-studio to settle into. Committing to becoming an artist is requiring me to build courage and soften into vulnerability. I'm grateful to have the time and space to sink into a new way of being."
Cat - Cape Town, South Africa
44
"I’ve had this reoccurring nightmare since I was a child, you know the ones that haunt you with different variations of not being able to move, you’re falling, or you’re lost? Mine usually revolve around the apocalypse. I’ve dreamed a hundred apocalyptic versions, consistently with the same narrative of trying to find or rescue my family from some impending disaster, only to wake up in desperation.
My mother loves movies where the world almost ends, and I kind of love that despite her manicured exterior, she’s entertained by chaos. I, on the other hand, always have to leave the room. I can’t watch anything heavy without crying or thinking too hard about all the ways the planet is predicted to deteriorate. ••I moved to Costa Rica 6 months ago because it’s one of the most eco-conscious countries in the world, no military, and I finally felt safe after a year of working through a lot. I’ve moved many times abroad, but this feels different. — I prefer to know I can reach the ones I love at the drop of a dime. Instead, I'm practicing some major compartmentalization over the reality that if my parents — in their 60s/70s —were to catch Covid-19, I could not be with them...
I know I’m supposed to be grateful and, in many ways, I am… My space is beautiful. Living in the jungle, I created a routine centered around the ocean, yoga, and shooting photos again. I’ve started to harness my addictions in a way that had always felt beyond impossible. -But if I’m honest, every week the loneliness feels heavier, cravings become louder, and I’m more sensitive to crawling up the walls with anxiety. I take baths at night so the heat will suck out my energy ‘til I’m limp and able to sleep. I like to soak for hours; it seems to simulate being held and the flames send endorphins up the back of my scalp. When I’m in a dark space, I try not to think. While my gremlins are sedated, I consider what’s actually important to me and what I want my life to look like when everyone is free to move through the world again. I stay here because while we all live in the land of limbo, I want to be nearby and ready whenever I can get back to the life I love."
Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
45
“There’s practically no distinction between my life now and my pre-quarantine life. Growing up constantly moving I learned to never depend on anyone or any ritual too closely, but still, I've always been really active in my community. -Except for in the last 3 years… Now I'm finding that there is indeed a blessing in what felt like a curse.
The backstory is that 3 years ago I found myself in homestead, West Virginia in the dead of winter where there was zero signal, electricity, or running water to hear my-self without external influences. There was practically nothing in sight for miles but the abundant Appalachia and a sheet of stars at night. My friends & I never counted the days and spent them doing whatever most inspired us. Unfortunately, the racist folk neighbors had us run out of town which forced us to split up and survive in the city. My mental health deteriorated, and I went into uninspired isolation for about a year where I could barely get myself out of bed. It was a slow, painful, non-linear process that shifted my life since then.
The day before my family and I went into quarantine, on March 14th, I had the opening AND closing of my debut in a professional theatre show as one of the lead performers where I was acting, singing, dancing like I never had before. I’d worked for 10 years in every other aspect of theatre and that was my “big break!”•Quarantine has taught me that these last three years served as preparation for this pandemic & inspired realizations that make me believe in a higher power. I find myself in an incredibly lucky position to have my blood & chosen family all safe, for my funds to be in decent standing & to have been consistently receiving new artistic connections that bring out my shine. I’ve been processing the nuances of every trauma I’ve experienced in my life & finally freeing myself a separate entity them. I’ve been taking my strong health and circumstances to pray for healing protection to my ancestors and the creator. Just one of many ways I've been striving to stay true to my destiny as a two-spirit healer, artist, and advocate.”
Tsai - Rockville, M.D.
46
"When my company offered me the opportunity to live in Seoul, South Korea for 6 months, I instantly said yes. I was excited about the opportunity to be able to meet new people from a totally different culture than mine and be able to explore as much of Asia as my vacation time would allow. Having never lived outside the Midwest before, I also felt a lot of uncertainty as to what to expect, which drove some fears/concerns, although none of them involved a global pandemic breaking out. I knew I was going to miss my friends and family terribly, but had plans for my brother to visit in April and for friends to come for my birthday in May, which helped ease my concerns.
Things quickly changed in late February when SK suddenly became one of the biggest hotspots for covid-19. In a weeks period, all my plans for travel and things to do in Seoul with visitors quickly got cancelled. There was now a much larger barrier between me and home than I was comfortable with, and I still had 4 months left before I could break through it.
My birthday was a bitter sweet experience. While it was sad spending it in isolation, I did have the opportunity to connect with many friends and family via various forms of technology. I also know the situation here is much safer and more under control than back home in Detroit, so I consider myself extremely lucky in many ways. I still am very much looking forward to returning home, although feel just as much uncertainty about the world I’ll be returning to, as I did in January about life in Seoul."
Erik Zinser - Seoul, South Korea
47
"I have been in a nest. Cradled in the caverns of Pachamama. Here tucked into the Diamante Valley of Costa Rica. Right under the highest mountain in the country ~ it’s got some magic for sure. The restrictions here haven’t really affected me besides the push to go within. I have had to figure out how to be more self-sustainable & enter into a community. Ask my neighbors for food or fruits grown by hand, straight out the land. Avoid cities where I once drowned that in which I didn’t want to face. Allow everything to come up that I once hid from. This time has been a breakthrough of what I had restricted myself from before. This time has been life changing. This time is truly, a gift.•If theres anything I have learned during this time, it’s this repetitive phrase that continues to run through my mind. Patchamama provides."
Antonia - Diamante Valley, Costa Rica
48
"The world has stopped for a moment due to this pandemic. I work as a guide through Manuel Antonio National park. I have 4 children that I cannot provide for at this moment because my work, like for most people in Costa Rica depends on tourism. We do receive a little support from our government but the Nicaraguan family next door has no food without work.
My daily life was constantly in nature, surfing in the morning, taking people hiking through the jungle. When this situation began my friends and I never imagined anything could keep tico-surfers off the beach. The police would have to come get us in the waves, but here we are obeying laws to stay home in a tiny space. I spend the day now thinking of my children, and what is coming next. This is another example of the need for community, respect, tolerance when families are forced to be together. I have never been more aware that the earth gives us life and we owe our life to her. We needed to stop how we were living even if it’s difficult.
For peace I sit on my porch and watch all the different creatures of the jungle through my telescope."
Kendall - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
49
"Quarantined DJ in Seattle. -Between March & June over 20 events, mostly weddings, have had to be postpone or canceled. It’s disorienting to live in the mystery. To not be able to “make plans”.
It's strange to take down the whiteboard calendar I kept for 10 years... However, this pause is also a chance to stop recreating my same reality and an opportunity to shift into better alignment personally, in business, and hopefully as a society. What ways can we celebrate in the new paradigm?
My coping mechanism and support in sanity is cannabis which stimulates creative thinking and reduces my anxiety. It’s a part of my daily routine of self-care, along with juicing, dabbing and playing music in my studio!"
Shawna Love-Lacy - Seattle, Washington
50
"I’ve been safely quarantined with my husband in Key West since mid-March. We are grateful to be healthy, strong and surprisingly a little bit less stressed in life. I’m immensely thankful for having the chance to see this coming. As we watched the news it was slight and uncertain because we live on an island. It seemed to many of us like it maybe wouldn’t come here… Then it happened. In just one day. The suddenness of this virus is astounding; our restaurants were closed, our stores locked, and tourists were gone! A tarp cradled our U.S. Southernmost-landmark, and our beaches were closed down. My husband and I became unemployed and the months ahead unpredictable. Concerned about our health, our families, our friends, and our finances allows for little stability. -For the first time in my adult life I wasn’t making my own money. Days that usually weren’t long enough abruptly reversed as the hours seemed to stretch on endlessly. Time management has revolved around meal planning and coordinating every cautious outing to the grocery store with purpose. Buying food is a now big adventure. I am truly grateful for our amazing island-local supermarkets and their hard work. I can sense their smile behind the mask. These hard-working citizens helped us take care in the most imperative of ways.
I can’t explain how appreciative I am to experience solitude with my husband by my side, and with roommates in our house. Through this time, we’ve grown closer, even while respecting each other’s space and practicing social distancing. I am relieved and thankful today as our island’s restrictions are lifting and we are venturing out into the community a little more. I’m looking forward to working again! I miss the movement and the hustle of my waitress job. I miss my schedule and the sense of purpose I feel when working full time. I am rested, refreshed and ready to get back to living some simple normalcy!"
Jen A. Gattermayer - Key West, Florida
51
"Quarantine has been going on for two months, but I feel like I’ve been quarantined by my depression for most of 2020. It wasn’t until the beginning of March that I finally started acclimating to the outside world instead of my couch; seeing friends, answering texts, doing the things most people in their 20s are supposed to do. -All these new efforts came to a halt when stay at home orders went into place. I pumped myself up so much prior to all this, feeling empowered to finally take control of my depression & step outside in life felt huge to me, to then be told I couldn’t was a mindfuck.The first day of my first voluntary PTO; I awoke to panicked calls from my employees. My company laid off the entire Austin workforce, & permanently closed the office.
I was one of three that survived. In a time where I should feel beyond grateful to have a job, & that my company saw enough in me to keep me around with the “big boys”, I was hit with so much resentment. Survivors' guilt is very real. I was overwhelmed & scared & wished I could hug my siblings who were quickly trying to escape NYC as things progressed. I worried about my nana adjusting after the passing of her husband a few months before. I worried about my stepmom whose surgery to remove cancer was pushed back because hospitals couldn’t accommodate her. I worried about the millions of restaurant workers that lost their jobs which my job relied on. I worried & haven’t stop worrying. Pandemics are not the ideal time to be an empath. My stress & sadness pushed me into overdrive, but I forgot to push for myself. I forgot how to ask for help. I’ve never been good at these things. I’ve been taking baby steps but certainly wasn’t prepared to set boundaries for myself with what 2020 had in store. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I decided to stop bottoming to the stress & hurt I was putting myself through. So that’s what I’m trying to do.
It’s really hard. I still love bottoming but I’d prefer my demons act a little more submissive so I can get back to topping them, and all the other cute femmes once we can touch again!"
Alex - Austin, Texas
52
“Vulnerability is asking for help and saying, ‘I’m not okay’.”
On Isolation: It is uniquely difficult to describe the feeling of disconnection that comes with uprooting your life, and moving to a peninsula that is on a peninsula that is almost the furthest it could be from one’s support and comfort. In the most ideal of times, the past years of coping with mental illness in a land that is often lonely & unforgiving can be painful and arduous. In times of societal collapse & global pandemic it can become what feels like (and sometimes is) a never-ending panic attack.
On Loss: Experiencing loss amidst fighting the current of personal unwellness makes the river seem closer to a mudslide. I lost a part of my support system during this time, like many others have. My boys, Norman & John Wayne (Possibly the most handsome hooded rats this side of the Mississippi) were a cornerstone of my emotional & mental support. Both were simultaneously afflicted with incredibly sudden, aggressive, tumors for which treatment was not viable. While not uncommon for feeder rats of their age, the unexpected nature of their decline was tragic nonetheless. I was fortunately given a time with them of hospice care that allowed me a period of mourning before their euthanasia.
On Coping: On the outside, my actions may look productive, cathartic, & occasionally inspiring. Truly, though I cannot stop. My obsessive, compulsive & constantly dissatisfied world is a mosquito breeding ground for passive aggressive thoughts & negative selftalk. The depreciation of my mental wellness has stripped my nervous system raw. Some of the few sources of solace I’ve found are ritual and habit. In extending the ritual, it allows me to fill time with thought and intention. •
Though I am experiencing a redefined rock bottom, my safety net continues to grow tightly knit weave... Each being of love for me, a focal point held together by grasped hands, arms, & embraces sprout new growth with each line of communication. This progress & development ‘we build together’. Fixating on our old normality will only stifle our ability to define a new one.
Arika & Evan - Pensacola, Florida
53
"A wave of FEAR flooded the City of Angels, when schools closed. Grocery shopping became one of the most difficult and a dangerous task. Looking at the empty shelves in the store brought back childhood memories when inflation hit Bulgaria.
I could feel the heaviness, the ugliness, the hesitation and the separation. It is easy to disconnect and see the person next to you as "the other". It seemed like people and governments were drowning in fear.
Friends left the city. My loved one left the city. My family support is overseas, and we are in this strange world where avoiding your relatives is considered an act of kindness. I am a single parent, trying my best and not always succeeding at that… There are moments when I’ve felt incredibly overwhelmed by my responsibilities as a parent, teacher or play mate. Marina is a very social little girl, and she had a hard time not seeing her friends. Her separation anxiety kicked in early on. Quarantine has challenged both of us. The loneliness I’ve experienced pushed me to the edge of emotional break down while I still try to hold a positive space for my daughter. It’s forced me to dig deep into my dark shadows and make an inventory. I had to decide what I can tolerate, what I want to keep and what needs to go.
COVID 19 feels sudden, invisible and foreign. -That's exactly how I felt for many years as an immigrant in the USA. I had to tell myself often; "Zhana, you are not that bad!" and somehow that prepared me to tell myself this virus ain't that bad as well. I refuse to feel guilty for not being anxious and fearful anymore.
Resilience is my nature."
Zhana Zhivkova - Los Angeles, California
54
"Here in ATX, things have not been easy. Being a red-state our city is one of the first to begin phasing out of the stay at home order. We are currently in Phase 2 of our reopening stage, and it's hard to predict if this will be better or worse for people. I hope we all consider the safety of our neighbors as we begin transitioning back into our “normal” routines.
Today, we are fasting for one last day. When I think about how Ramadan has felt during this quarantine, I’m shocked at how peaceful it was. Honestly, I thought this Ramadan was going to be especially difficult seeing as we are all obviously overwhelmed by the current circumstances. But I was pleasantly surprised as this quarantine showed us how important Ramadan truly is. Everyday there was something new to be appreciative of. Everyday there was a reminder of the basic necessities that so many go without. Through every fast, it became easier and easier to immerse ourselves in gratitude for our loved ones, for God.
As I broke my fast this evening with my brothers and sisters surrounding me, enjoying food, laughing, in high spirits. I find myself floored with appreciation. For some families, this Eid Al-Fitr is filled with grief as they reflect on the loved ones they lost during this epidemic... I hope that we can come out of this with a little more light and recognition of each-others strengths that carry us through the hard times.
That’s the only way we will be better, by making the decision to be better, together."
Suhailah Waheed - Austin, Texas
55
"I am unable to eat or drink enough to nourish myself. I depend on a central line in my chest and daily IV fluids to stay alive. I was already housebound alone in Indiana when the shutdowns began, only leaving once or twice a week to see a doctor. COVID-19 didn’t make me terrified of catching something that could kill me. It was the idea that if I became sick in a way that would require hospital care again, I would be alone and inaccessible. 20 days into quarantine, I realized the site in my chest where I access that central line was infected. My heart dropped. Normally, I would have gone immediately to the ER for strong IV antibiotics, but now I was advised to avoid the hospital and watch the infection closely.
After 2 months, I became septic and it was decided that I would be admitted to the hospital to go on antibiotics until they could figure out how to get me into surgery. Coming to the hospital at the time was bittersweet. I now had a reason to hope my condition would improve but was at higher risk for the virus. No one was allowed to visit me, not even my mom who is a nurse for the hospital I’m in. Nonetheless, I decided to use this time to be extra and LIVE! I brought bright scarves to tie big bows on my head, a pair of sunglasses for every day of the week, vintage night gowns, and 4 kinds of stage glitter. I’m celebrating myself and the nurses that care for me. I sang through conscious sedation in surgery until the end, when the staff joined in and sang too. The infection is now clear from my blood and my chest. I still have one more surgery to get through on this Memorial Day, but I am confident that I am going to survive. -For now, anyways!"
Tyler - Indianapolis, Indiana
56
"We are a multi-disciplinary art house. Our artists are painters, poets, musicians, sculptors, performance artists, dancers and change makers all rolled into one.
In Reno, Nevada we were hit hard. I have never been in a situation where all the gigs are canceled at once. We are having to be extremely creative right now in order to survive... No public at our space, no shows means no money. We have 35 in-house artist residents and all of them lost their jobs and income so they can no longer contribute funds. None of us have been sick, and they call artists the canary in the coal mine. If we start to die the rest of the population is next. I like to think we will be able survive this...
I am trying to be strong and brave for everyone including my 4-year-old. I don’t know what will happen, but I know the world needs us. Needs artists always to sing, dance, create, and inspire. We will not let you down. They can take our money and security away, but art is like breathing.
-I’m a Potentialist; I want to take it too far! I want to leap off the edge of the energy I put out. Swim in the unseen. To shape the world. To stand defiant in the face of impossibility. To do this is to live everyday inspired!"
Pan - Reno, Nevada
57
"I didn’t plan this at all… I’ve now been living in India for the past 3 months. I started out with a 10-day silent meditation, then into a 21 day panchakarma cleanse. -When all of this began, I had to decide to stay here or return home before the borders closed. My heart told me to stay. So, here I am 2 months later, completely immersed in a peacefully curated world. I haven’t left here in over 2 months. Everyday my external world is the exact same. I don’t know the effects “out there.” But what this pause of moving externally has done is to really get to know what’s happening within me. I have been studying the Bhagavad Gita throughout the weeks, practicing meditation twice daily, yoga asana morning and night, daily journaling. I’m having the best time in the garden with @tgarciabuz & @i_am_jish_ I'm beginning to notice how I respond and react, and what values/aspects of myself are changing as the entire world around me stops. Maybe this is why I couldn’t slow down before… Scared to see myself entirely. In the end, everyday we are the creators of our lives, ever evolving."
Amber - India
58
"By the time flights were cancelled and shops were shuttered, my “normal” life had already been on hold for a while. My last big job, an art installation in Dubai, was completed at the end of December. With my freelance life in a lull until spring, I took the quiet winter months to retreat and… work on myself. In short, I decided to get sober. I’d spent my entire adult life self-medicating with alcohol and was seeing more and more proof of its negative effects. I decided to walk away from drinking culture, which was an extremely isolating and alienating experience all on its own. A few months later I was feeling healthy and motivated. I was already hungry for hard work and a “back to normal” feeling before the concept of lockdown had even entered our reality. Then the gigs that would normally fill my calendar began to evaporate, and I almost laughed at it all. It was like the rest of the world suddenly caught up to the isolation game I’d been playing all winter.
As a new non-drinker I have been acutely aware of all the people around me boozing their way through quarantine. If covid had come any other year of my life before this one, I’d be pretty pickled by now. Instead I find myself with an uncomfortable new clarity. The travel, the work, and the community that have defined me for years are all gone, with no known return date. And at the end of the day, I can’t drink away my pain. I’ve been holding my breath and anxiously awaiting the buzz of working, the therapy of moving… Until then I listen to the voice that says no, you will sit with this. You will sit with yourself. And you will keep learning how to cope."
Kelsey - Philadelphia, Pensilvania
59
"The hardest aspect of quarantine for me has been loneliness. I was supposed to be traveling solo, but due to the state of the world, I’ve been living at my parents' house with my mom, dad, and brother in Southern California. I function best in my independence with alone time. When I’m around people 24/7 who do not understand me, I feel more alone than I would if I truly had space. I desire deeply my “soul family”, as I’ve never been close to my blood-family. I’ve always been the black sheep, and I’m feeling that label lit up in neon more than ever during this time. We all want our parents to acknowledge us and believe in us, and it’s been challenging to be around people regularly who don’t see me. Most days, my troubled past plagued by rough relationships and drug addiction is highlighted to discredit my current balance and success. -Nothing is celebrated; my failures are only magnified. I’m continuously reminded that I’ve failed before and I’m catapulted back into a childhood of enduring abuse. Apologies are never uttered. Nobody takes responsibility for their mistakes.
I used to run away when things became unbearable, but this time there’s nowhere to run. I can’t sleep at night because my heart aches so badly. I find myself on the floor crying and praying or feeling numb and apathetic because I’ve cried so much. The demons I thought I worked through have begun to rear their ugly heads. I’m forced every day to go up against the people I have never wanted to confront and hold me captive by my past… Quarantine is like peeling a never-ending onion, and I remind myself, “This too shall pass.” Even though this time is emotionally draining, I’m also extremely grateful for my family, as they are my greatest teachers right now. They are acting as mirrors. They show me my triggers, and I have no choice but to work through them if I want to grow stronger. My hope is that this will eventually bring about a level of mutual respect and understanding for one another."
Christina - Southern California, California
60
"I’m in my apartment in Berlin, Germany. Restrictions are more loose here than they were; but social distancing measures are still in place, so I don’t find many reasons to go out these days. When the restrictions started, I think I felt like I could “win” at lockdown. I worked out every day. I cooked new dishes and I baked so much banana bread. I dressed up with maleficent horns in latex and was one of the first to participate in this project. But after about six or seven weeks, I just burned out on all expectations of myself and couldn’t access that creative energy anymore.
My mom went into hospice care last week—unrelated to Covid-19. It’s been a blur of calls with her care team and lawyer. No one tells you how much paperwork is involved when someone is at the end of their life, and often managing the situation keeps me from being fully emotionally present-- I can either handle the logistics of this or feel it, but not both at the same time. There’s the grief of being with someone day by day when they are dying, and a very different grief not being able to be there. I know that many people are in the same situation now, of not being able to see their loved ones as they disappear into hospitals and sometimes don’t come out again. Grief combined with social isolation has been messy and unpredictable, but I have also been left speechless at the depth of kindness and support that has rushed in to surround me from the important people in my life. It’s a time I will think of as a “before” and “after” and through it’s challenges I am trying to see the opportunities to nurture my resilience."
Margot - Berlin, Germany
61
"I have been quarantined alone in Vienna. I used to have an atelier in Toronto (where I moved from). I used to live and work in my creative space, my profession is merged with my identity. Therefore, I keep thinking to myself, I wish I was quarantined back in that familiar space. It’s hard to deal with the vulnerability of unfamiliarity and isolation. If I was working, I wouldn’t mind being alone. -Oh boy, I would use this time to create extraordinary things!! It’s really painful, missing my friends, maker space, and tools that are an extension of my strength... I’ve been through all the phases of emotions during this quarantine. My final one, - "insanity." I finally decided a few days ago, that's it, I need a project! I came across this vintage-pole-digger and adopted it to restore."
Melis - Vienna, Austria
62
"Prior to the Covid19 Pandemic, I was living in survival mode. I kept my mind, hands, and mouth busy with consumption. I filled my days with long hours of work running my full-time photography business and a seemingly demanding social life. My once booming and thriving business ceased to exist within a matter of days and I spent weeks processing through the worst PTSD triggers I’ve ever experienced…
My mother, Janel, and I have been comrades through both joyful and horrific hurdles life has thrown our way. We talk often about our gratitude to have each other during this time and to do so in a peaceful home is truly a gift. We exchange ideas and challenge each other daily, which can be uncomfortable but it’s also rewarding. I've never felt so raw and exposed but having her to keep my head above water has been my literal lifeline as I navigate having to figure out how to survive during a time of such instability.
It hasn't been easy grappling with intense grief from losing my business, my financial security, my hopes & dreams (as they once existed), and my relationship as a result of this pandemic. However, the only option I have during this time is to be unapologetically true to myself - something I’ve never fully done, and that feels incredibly empowering."
Mariah - Washington, D.C.
63
"Is it just me or does this feel like the perfect storm of "what the fuck"? Does it throw you all the way off and hit you sideways so much you can't find your footing or barely feel the space you stand in? It's almost as if every anxiety triggering possibility has come to life, in real-time, at the same time. It rolls in tweeted, televised, and talked about on zoom calls and facetime with friends, colleges, and strangers. It’s consuming.
ENOUGH already!I can't block it.I can't avoid it.I don't want to face it.Will it get me?Am I next?What the fuck!?•In this moment it feels impossible to really think past the rapid-fire of these thoughts without typing for hours... I can’t consider anything other than people being murdered and that could easily be me. Today I have no energy beyond focusing on the safety of myself and those whom I love most."
Jeremy - Austin, Texas
64
"We’re going on three months of New York’s “Pause” and while I recognize its importance, I’m definitely ready for the city to open back up again. As a painter, I’ve always defined myself as an introverted-extrovert; meaning I can be the life of the party if you get me there but what this whole quarantine experience has taught me is that I’m actually a self-reflective extrovert.
I moved to one of the most energetic and populous cities in the world not because I’m an introvert, but because I love to engage and be around people. To create my work, I need time to self-reflect, but to do that I need to engage with the energy of experience and existence around me.
I miss the city. I miss all the weird and wild moments that can only happen in New York. Without that, what’s the point of being here? The people are the magic. New York is remarkable in its architecture and overall vibe, but it’s really the people that make this city great - the things they do, create, and how they express their awareness.
I’m ready for life to happen at an accelerated speed. I’m ready to go full throttle; I need my New York fix. I love the rush of the city, the energy of its movement, it’s what makes me feel the pulse of being alive."
Meagan Jain - New York, New York
65
"Last week, my best friend told me, “I’m an introvert. I thought I would win at quarantine and in the beginning, I was indeed winning… but truly quarantine killed my creativity.” Since then, I’ve thought a lot about her words. I’m on day 64 of my new photo series, “This Is Quarantine.” I’ve been documenting people’s different quarantine experiences all around the world. I’ve been shooting remotely from my home in Costa Rica. This project is unlike anything I’ve attempted in my life. It requires me to relinquish control and give autonomy to those who participate in a way I never would have had to under “normal circumstances.” I don’t believe I ever have --or ever will again -- speak about my photography in this way, but here it goes: It’s taken 64 days of listening to stories for me to have a meltdown.
And it’s not because I can’t handle grief -- I’ve been doing documentary photography focused on sexual-assault, identity, and trauma for over 15 years. Processing this pandemic by capturing friends -- old and new -- is the only way I know how to absorb the world and stay connected. Yet, I’m having what my family refers to as, “a moment.” What does that look like? For me, it manifests as a time so emotionally charged that I find myself dissolving into temporary desperation. But what I know to be true is that I can’t have this project end yet. I’m still isolated in a small town, in a country I just moved to, as an extrovert, with no real friends, in need of open borders, a multitude of personal obstacles, and watching the people I love fight for their basic human rights that should already be established in my country. There are cracks that are turning into chasms beginning to form in my narrative. This has become a time of self-reflection, with designated time for internal dissection.
I feel I’ve been alone long enough to garner the reflection benefits I have the capacity for. All the shadow work regarding my addictions that pull on me, all the gratitude that I have for a remarkable future.”
Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
66
"I never thought these would be things I would speak about in a public forum, I imagined you would only come to know my story when reading my obituary... The thing I like most about quarantine is that I don't have to see people. I feel like I've developed this super power where my bed is a time vortex. I can lay down and hours disappear... It's very hard for me to share my story and I don't have the energy to put on a social mask, especially during this time when I feel like a walking crime-scene. Last week I received a phone call from my brother, he said my mother had attempted suicide by setting herself on fire in a car and is now hospitalized with the majority of her body covered in 3rd degree burns. I later found out there is currently an investigation and the exact cause is not known. She's currently on a ventilator and so we are not yet able to speak but I'm told she's recovering fast.
I actually appreciate this virus for taking over the world during this time in my life. I am grateful that my mother can hardly receive visitors because she is still legally married to my father who I witnessed abuse her my whole life and sexually abused me.
I feel a pressure to be with my mom right now, however there is no guarantee of my safety in the city she is in. For now my father lives nearly every night in my nightmares and I can't imagine after several years being forced to see him in real life. Thankfully corona virus has provided a built-in excuse as to why I have decided to stay in Costa Rica for now. I believe in the voice that guides me and listening to it has always protected me from darkness. In this case, it's telling me to stay right where I am; where there's the ocean, the jungle, and people who genuinely care about my well-being."
Lara - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
67
"I've been trying so hard to be strong for my family throughout this entire process. However, there are so many chaotic layers to what is happening around the world that are, in and of themselves, difficult and disappointing to absorb. Overall, we have had moments of fun despite being in Panama’s very restrictive quarantine, where there are separate designated days for when women may leave the house and when men can. It’s hectic and scary, yet our family has grown closer and stronger.
My issues throughout this time have had nothing to do with my family, and everything to do with me. Leading up to COVID, I, myself, was (am) going through a transition. While we were blessed with the opportunity to move abroad for my husband's dream job, (we arrived in country as COVID was making the news), it meant leaving the familiarity of my life in Active Duty. Accepting this opportunity meant choosing between my career or being a dedicated mother. And, in choosing this opportunity, it’s meant putting my family’s well-being over my own. I’d like to think I have done a pretty good job, but I sacrificed myself and the things that define me by doing so. Over the last month the emotions I’ve been suppressing and compartmentalizing surrounding the loss of my career are beginning to surface with force. I’m tired all the time, I’m quick to anger and have developed a negative self-image. To make matters worse, I feel guilty about these feelings! There are people in far worse situations and my family needs me so there’s no room to fall apart. There is no time for self-pity! I feel guilty to think that I might need some time to myself and worse, that I have to vocalize this need. Why can’t I just suck it up? -After-all that’s what the military ingrained in me. People say it’s ok to not be ok, but the part that’s hardest to tolerate is the unknowing of when this will all end.”
Tahina - Panama City, Panama
68
“I'm from Costa Rica, where we just celebrated the legalization of gay-marriage. -My nonbinary/queer-friends are my family, because the relationship with my immediate family is complicated. For example, I was kicked out of my mother's house during this quarantine, during a pandemic when everyone is supposed to come together and take care. I was forced out because I made an attempt against my own life. My mom's response was to scream at me in fear and then kick me out for not being able to be collect myself right now. She rationalizes her decision by saying; if I don't get a job and start paying for my stuff, and following their capitalistic rules, while the whole world is economically on pause, then I’m no longer welcome.
Before I tried temporarily living with my mom and siblings, I was living with my babies/doggies, and my partner. I had to move back into this space on very short notice. It’s difficult because I was supposed to stay at mom's home in order to finish my academic-course work, and finally have a more consistent income. Instead, I moved in here and I have to start working somewhere in a seasonal minimum-wage job.•I’ll be honest, it’s hard to be motivated when I can hardly catch my breath or find a stable home. I have been spending my quarantine getting high in-between studying english and applying for whatever’s available. It feels like a trap to have to stay home in bed and work online in the same place I sleep, with the same schedule, especially after I just had a big messy breakdown.
Right now it’s not about healing, it’s about surviving.”
Mone - San Jose, Costa Rica
69
“I think this quarantine has been hard for me in ways that didn't immediately seep in. Nandini is my partner and they have always been more extroverted, so I know the sudden disconnect was strange for them. I have always preferred being home, and I work from home, so it wasn't a new concept in that sense. But gradually, and especially a couple weeks ago after West Bengal was hit by a super-cyclone, it took a big toll.
I was initially thinking this isn’t so bad, watching the way people were coming together, online dates/parties, and other internet-interactions. We were finding ways to build new communities, like participating in this photo series. But below the surface is so much anxiety. Our nine cat-children in the house grow less comforting, and we’ve had some external stresses with our neighbors who have fundamental issues with us because we’re queer, etc. Now that we are always stuck at home they find ways to make our lives difficult via absolute pettiness. They’ve made us easy scapegoats by low-key targeting us for ridiculous passive-aggressive things.
On top of everything, the news/media is constantly so upsetting. I know I’m safe at home, but so many of my people are not. After the storm destroyed much of the city and surrounding area they don't have the luxury of a home anymore.•I am adjusting to happiness being something that exists mostly internal. It's the state of feeling grateful and knowing my privilege, but some days are difficult when I don’t know what to look forward to. Then some days it's the sound of the birds, or a breeze that brings back hope. Just really allowing attention to be diverted back to the small details that we as a species have badly threatened. I think this is a time for healing and reflecting on all the things we and our governments have done wrong, and the numerous ways in which we can do better.”
Upasana - Kolkata, India.
70
"My mother is the most loved, most important person in my life. It means everything to have her with me in my jungle space and to take her out of the comfort zone of her bed and the city life where she is mostly alone. When with me I have a chance to remind her all the senses; smell, contact, happiness, and novelty. -Just 100% be for her while I have her. ••It was an interesting experience hugging her in this photo because I realized I’ve always wanted to give her this long kind of hug but wouldn’t know how to approach it. I wish it to be natural for me, but I hold back a little. In this moment, I felt it was like embrace-therapy for both of us. Everyone needs to be touched and I think we are all especially feeling that in quarantine."
Irene - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
71
"I’m from Kolkata, but I’m currently living in Bangalore. My quarantine looks stuck alone trying to manage and balance a regular life when nothing is normal. A cyclone hit my hometown a few weeks back and since then COVID-19 has been put on the back-burner while people have no way to protect themselves and are more worried about starving with no home at all. This means lots of people are migrating across India. -Some days I worry about them, but mostly I need to worry about myself first. I try to cope by reading, cooking which I think can be therapy. This is a time where we all need to be practical."
Sandeepta - Bangalore, India
72
"Quarantine has been good for me in so many ways. However, I am angry & frustrated & sad & profoundly enraged for all the right (or, at the very least, less destructive) reasons. -Systemic racism, structural inequality, injustices, corruption, deceit, police brutality, corporate greed, environmental destruction, indigenous population ethnic cleansing, etc.
Literally & figuratively I stand & walk in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter & Black Trans Lives Matter movements knowing it is with great privilege that I can do such things. Having been temporarily disabled, I vow to never take physical mobility for granted again. It is an incredible privilege to be able bodied in a world that does not recognize just how challenging it is to live with any form of disability.
I am reminded of the privilege with which I move through the world when, back home in the Middle East for example, I pass as straight in a body that does not declare to all who sees it that my gender does not match the sex I was assigned to at birth. Many fellow members of the queer community from around the world do not have the luxury of passing & their bodies are targeted & their lives in constant danger because of this.
Though official Pride parades around the world have been cancelled this year due to the threat of contagion, in their place grass root protests have sprung up against police brutality & unlawful use of force. Pride began as a riot fighting against these very things, & it was primarily black & brown trans women valiantly leading the charge . What better way to celebrate Pride than to honor the very people that put their lives in danger so that the LGBTQ+ community can live with greater dignity & sovereignty today.
COVID-19 & the global quarantine shut-downs in response to the virus have not only highlighted the countless disparities & injustices that exist, they have made it impossible to disguise them any longer. And people are rising up and collectively pushing back because of this. It is awe inspiring to witness and alleviates so much of the sting of being separated from my family! Ho’oponopono. May all beings be free."
Alia AY - Austin, Texas
73
"I've been living in some form of isolation since November of last year because my baby girl was born in December. This Spring I was excited to go back to work, hang out with my friends and get back to myself little by little.
I return for one fucking week and Covid-19 hit. My anxiety was my worst demon for the entire first month. I was not only taking care of a newborn but also had to work from home and catch up with everything after 4 months of maternity leave. ••Not to mention, I live with my brother and mother, so the house started to feel so tiny. My mom works all day every day since I can remember, all of a sudden working with her in the same space was so rough! Spending all day with family is challenging. There were days I just needed a walk to clear my head and not lose my shit.
I am a mother now and there is another little human that also needs me. I said: FUCK THIS. I started meditating or painting when my baby was asleep. I remember that I could clearly listen to myself on one meditation and from that moment, quarantine changed entirely. ••I started to feel really grateful for all the help I am receiving from my family taking care of the baby when I needed to go to a meeting. I really appreciate it the most, to have time to watch my baby girl become a whole independent little human.
I am still learning how to be a woman and not just a mom. I want to teach my daughter that she doesn't need to be a mom to feel herself complete as a woman. No one taught me that when I was young, generationally neither my mom nor my grandma. Definitely, my daughter will be the exception! And if I want to be a role model, I need to face up my own battles. Even if things get hard, my girl will always have a badass mom at her side to turn a fucked-up situation into a beautiful one.•So, thank you quarantine for giving me the strength I need to keep living and make me a better person. If I am able to manage all the chaos my life is now, so can you!"
Natalia - San José, Costa Rica
744
"This is Quarantine" Portraits of different quarantine experiences no matter how far! Shot remotely from my home in Costa Rica. DM me to participate!
"I was ready to have an abortion, but when I saw my baby’s heartbeat for the very first time it was magical. I went through hell and back to keep my son, Ocean alive. I had one of the worst pregnancies and a very traumatic labor and birth experience, but I would do it all over again just to have him with me. I’m quarantined in the Cape Flats, Cape Town, South Africa. We are currently on phase 3 of restrictions, however in the Cape Flats we aren’t able to leave our homes or dwell too far away due to the rise in gang violence in my area that is always intense and now unbearable. So, we all stuck in our homes with no police in site while the rest of the city is enjoying the little bit of freedom they have. Another reason why I want to get out…
I can’t imagine my life without my baby and all I wanna do is give him the life he deserves. He has already saved me in so many ways when I was ready to give up on just about EVERYTHING. This is why I have no time to waste on people and family that don’t see the value in what I’m trying to build for us. I wasted so many years on people and things when I didn’t have a care in this world but now that I have my baby I want more for myself, more for us! I want to have stability; I want to have a family and a good loving space for us that’s safe.
I’ve been actively working towards myself growth in terms of dealing with past traumas. Right now I am in a very good space. I feel great, I look amazing! -Even if I’m the one who has to tell myself so. Honestly, I’m happy for the first time in a long time. I cannot let anyone, or anything mess this up for me. I’ve worked hard to be where I’m at now. I may have taken a short detour but I’m glad I’m back in my lane and continuing the journey. I will be manifesting the life that I want and I’m living like I already have it.•It took Ocean to make me realize that I want more for myself and quite frankly we deserve more."
Laverne HippKhoi Maart - Cape Town, South Africa
75
"I'm in East London, originally from South Africa, and my studio has been a source of solace during lockdown. I've submerged myself into live production and digi performances, spilling out all my emotions and reshaping them into sounds that heal and keep me occupied. Even though the world has been still, I posses momentum to create and grow in my craft.
Being a live producer is something I have wanted to do for a while and the pause made me just drop in to it. Music has walked me through many heavy situations and has always been my go to when I don't know how to release tension... So this space has been transforming, it's where I feel safe and free to rock out."
Latoya Buthelezi - London, United Kingdom
76
"Nothing brings out our inner child, and our inner child’s sensitive feelings, quite like isolation during a pandemic and international quarantine. To be completely honest, I've always had a powerful and strong inner child. I feel very connected to and relate well with the main character in the quintessential childhood book, “Harold and the Purple Crayon”.
The protagonist, Harold, is a curious four-year-old boy who, with his purple crayon, has the power to create a world of his own simply by drawing it. Harold wants to go for a walk in the moonlight, but there is no moon, so he draws one. He has nowhere to walk, so he draws a path. He has many adventures looking for his room, and in the end, he draws his own house and bed and goes to sleep.
I have worn my own purple top hat a lot more during quarantine than ever before. It gives me this whimsical feeling of happiness. It lets me genuinely feel, that even with all the ongoing extreme suffering ensuing in the world around us, I can still feel some semblance of joy and normalcy from being able to smile and appreciate myself for who I am; silliness and all…
I have been quarantining in our condo in Park View in Northwest DC. My commute depending on the week either is as short as the office down the hall from our bedroom, or as far away as the kitchen table downstairs. My wife and I trade off every week. I’ve always been a rather social creature, and I’ve always felt that hugs from my friends are enchanting things that imbue exceptional energy when given, so I would have to say those are probably the thing I miss most from this whole experience. For now, hugs have been replaced with letters. Since I was young, I love getting and receiving mail. It is a simple pleasure that brings me the same kind of joy that a toddler gets from being told ice cream is about to be eaten. I requisitioned my own personalized stationery for the first time ever and have been sending notes to people every people every week. I’ve even started up a correspondence with a pen-pal”
Matthew Breitbart - Washington, D.C.
77
"I’m a young 24-year-old mother from South Africa, Cape Town Stellenbosch. On this 80th day for us in lockdown, I just want to say to all the beautiful women out there raising strong girls & boys; be brave, hold your ground, spread love and take no shit!
My daughter and I are living with my parents and two siblings in one room. What makes it difficult is everyone is seeking for their own little space of privacy and comfort, which we can't find. What I do appreciate about living together is that we protect our strong bond. People spend a lifetime looking for more, and needing more, when they could have spent their lives enjoying what life has offered. Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to accomplish something big, that we fail to notice the little things that give life its magic.
If my baby Ghaliyah was old enough to understand I’d tell her, - keep your spirit darling, keep the fire in your soul. Know your worth, protect your energy and tell your story whenever you have the opportunity. It’s important to own your achievements but never ever be mean about it.•This time is hard, but we cannot play the victim, as mothers we must become warriors."
Megan Daniels - Cape Town, South Africa
78
"Ive spent quarantine in my two bedroom apartment in San Antonio, Texas with my only son, Lio.
There is power in motherhood that is so profound, like the Tao, it can only be described by poetry and in metaphors. This is a knighthood borne of true sacrifice, resourcefulness, empathy, and unconditional love. That’s what quarantine came to teach me; through anything the world has for us, I have been blessed with the tools not just to survive, but to thrive and nourish others. The future is literally mine to mold."
Jahne Campbell - San Antonio, Texas
79
"My name is Maxeen and I live in Cape Town. I'm mother to an amazing one year old boy.•When lockdown first started, I felt alright about it. I thought the break would be good, good for mother nature to heal again. I found myself baking and trying out new recipes, spending time with my son and my family. However, I did not know that it would be extended for so long that we would find ourselves here 3 months later still in lockdown... We are too scared to move outside our gate because of fear of infection. - Yes, we have moved down to level 3 meaning the economy is open again, but that does not mean it is safe!
My most important lesson during lockdown is my faith. It tells me that even if this world is in chaos, I need to stay focused, for the sake of myself, my son, and my family. I think my heart has grown more now that I've become a mother.
I still find myself grateful for so many things. When this gets too much for me emotionally, I ground myself and I count my blessings. Like health, family, a paycheck, food on the table, my son. Just being able to wake up every day. So many people have lost their lives during this time. So many families find themselves crying and mourning the death of family members. So many people go to bed hungry and it breaks my heart if I think about it because it could easily be me.
So, I put my faith in the Lord, because even if we do not have a plan I’m comforted that a higher power does."
Maxeen - Cape Town, South Africa
80
"Before this pandemic the goddess of chaos was the one I chose to worship, that’s why I manage rather well with the world in its current state.•We have nothing to lose nor to win if we learn to overcome the fear of death, not only or own, but that those amongst us are always cycling on as well; appreciation of the here and now is the only option in this absurd thing called life.
Nevertheless, I’m certainly not elated when I see how others are struggling, it makes me feel powerless and guilty for being unable to sympathize...
Do not think that I’m a strong one, I am able to handle the detention of our lives due to my pet, my rum, and my (virtually) near friends, thanks to them it's been feasible to abandon the idea of order."
Delroy - San José, Costa Rica
81
"I moved to Canada to daydream. This is the little corner of my apartment where I usually record my auditions. It has grown dusty during lockdown while I fend off questions about when my 'big break' will be.
At this point I’ve become accustomed to waiting in uncertainty; welcoming the introspective conditions of isolation as a chance to deepen my experience of the present.
Daydreaming was more comfortable… so was trying new recipes, and watching Netflix, and checking off my to-do list.
Awakening is not for everyone – it rattles both the voices of fear and joy to the core. A work in progress, I’ll watch the light refract while sipping tea with my exiled inner parts, confronting my new-found privileges, and finding the courage to belong to my voice so I can use it to better serve the collective consciousness.
My body wants to rock itself back to sleep, but my soul simply won’t let it. There is too much work to be done."
Elodie - Vancouver, Canada
82
The past few weeks have cracked me open. My chest hurts in the morning from stress. Right now is a big moment of adaptation. Two worlds I inhabit, design and music, are going through a huge reckoning with the rest of America. My ultimate goal right now is just the ability to "be" a Black mixed-race woman in the world. I've found myself taking remote weekend hikes with my partner to escape the heavy, kafkaesque weight that's cast on everything I do and everything that is done to me. Running screaming into the woods is my new hobby.
I am actually not staying at my own home during all this. Instead, I am with my partner and four of his family members after living alone for ten years. This is my workspace where I am lucky enough to work remotely. I can be a very solitary person, I forgot how alive a house could feel. Slowly, I'm coming to terms that it's probably good for me. It's been about being comfortable with that pulse and rhythm. Being comfortable expanding the flexibility of my mood. With being around a kid in all this turmoil. With trying to be present during constant, collective fear at all of our doors.
Right now I use my time to be proactive towards change, racial justice and artistic fulfillment, which ultimately isn't about being alone. It's about making new connections from afar and taking in big ideas. It's also about making sure I sleep well, eat well, and generally take care of my mind and body. I'm writing articles on being Black in music and doing everything we can as a band to keep afloat and donate as much as possible. I am trying to do so much and it never seems to be enough as an extreme minority in several key areas of my life.
I will always be slightly left of center in the spaces I occupy, like a loose tooth that draws attention to itself through no fault of its own. I can only hope that my experience builds empathy in myself for others. My chest hurts..."
Alicia - Chicago, Illinois
83
"Last week, my partner & I made the decision on Friday to drive from Texas to Maine the next day. The decision to leave was in response to a family crisis. My dad has been battling severe anxiety and insomnia during COVID, & 2 months of slow deterioration suddenly hit a breaking point, a switch flipped, and we were on our way North.
After two trips to the ER, a bed finally opened up for him at the local psychiatric hospital. He is not allowed to have visitors, because of COVID. I am not able to speak with him on the phone. I can’t go through the front door to leave a care package because of Maine’s mandatory 2-week quarantine for all out-of-state visitors. I was able to get him a Father’s Day letter through my mom, who is allowed to drop stuff off that then has to be quarantined for 24 hours before being delivered to him.
I don’t know how I feel right now. Aside from everything that is going on, my relationship with my family is very complicated. My parents are conservative evangelical Christians, who are not accepting of my queerness, or non-monogamy, being an indie documentary filmmaker, my shaved hair, & the mullet. But when there’s a family emergency, I’m there, oftentimes with a supportive partner, who knows they’ll never receive my parents’ approval. Showing up when things are terrifying, & ugly, and brutal is part of being family.
My childhood home is a block away from the River. She has provided me with endless amounts of empathy, comfort, cleansing, gentleness, joy, ceremony, pleasure, & adventure. She parented me in a way, but more like a grandmother. She knows all my secrets, like all the forbidden kisses on the rocks, or the times I transformed hateful graffiti on the bridges, or how hard I cry.
Today, Father’s Day, I pose in the River with reverence, & to express my creativity, & deep love, for my dad, this fierce & beautiful planet, & for myself. This is an opportunity to feel confident, & powerful, & calm, & sexy, & handsome, to celebrate all that I have inherited from my father, like my shoulders, & my Greek nose, & passion, & so much sweetness. He love the river too... You are resilient."
Kate - Maine, U.S.
84
"We were 17 weeks pregnant when the lockdown commenced. My schooling was put on pause, and she had just started working online for her company. I honestly woke up every day and didn't know how we were going to survive the quarantine due to issues erupting in our relationship prior to covid-19. We seemed to be ending, and I was struggling to wrap my mind around being a father with a lot of emotions about what my old life was and what my new life would be.
Fast forward, and we’ve become in-sync in doors. We made a decision and moved out of our old place into a new beautiful apartment that will be ours as a family. Things between us took a different turn, I really want to experience this pregnancy every step of the way.
So often we look outside ourselves for "validation", life solutions, and most of all we look outside ourselves for LOVE. This period has taught us to look within, trust and be still. Though I haven't been working in music as frequently, this time has really helped me gain clarity on what actually IS my priority. I personally had a reckoning with the blessing God sent us and what I live for now. It has changed how I look at myself, how I make music, and how I react to my surroundings... -I'm just bummed we cannot light-up indoors, lol.
I'm ready to hold my beautiful baby in my arms. And because I’m more centered my music career is also taking a positive turn. I seriously couldn't ask for more from the universe. -
Okuhle "Bvse" Ntshona - Cape Town, South Africa
85
"This quarantine hit me bad; losing my job, the uncertainty and fear surrounding me while living with my aging parents.
For them I had to step up, take responsibility and decided to take advantage of the lockdown. Particularly with my mom. She is a person who I believe fell in love with pain and accepted her life to be one full of suffering, but thanks to my knowledge of teaching yoga, I started motivating her and she is picking it up the last 3 months. I’ve realized parents are as complicated as we are. They are at times like spoiled adolescents. They need to be constantly motivated.
Getting back to my roots after 14 years of staying away, sometimes, I thank the lockdown. It has given me the time to spend with my family, strengthen our bonds and fill the house with love.
It’s interesting being back in my childhood home. This house is 130 years-old, tiled, with an overwhelming smell of wet mud during the rainy season. But when water drips from our ceilings and runs from the roof like a waterfall, it makes me feel nostalgic and romantic. The beauty of this house is, it has been built by mud with no bricks.
The courtyard in the center has a little Tulsi, (sacred basil plant) known for its healing and divine properties. Tulsi almost grows everywhere. This little plant holds a great value to us, its tea is famous for immunity boosting properties, and we offer prayers every day. It has been here since the house was constructed and considered the heart of our home. As a child, I would play around the tree under the rains and at times the whole family would join in too. These memories will always be with me in this space.•The flags in the background are of all the countries we have visited, and this reminds us of how much we have learned, and to embrace the goodness in the world, and to remember how much more there is to see when this virus is over.”
Ashie - Bangalore, India
86
"During this strange time, I ask myself, where have I been...? Upon reflection, quarantine has symbolized an odd return home into his arms. A conscious reset giving us time to breathe, look into each others eyes and connect authentically and deeply during a state when the world pulls us out and away. Instead of counting minutes in traffic now I count the kisses he plants on my forehead before the sun even rises. I count the freckles on his nose over breakfast and the pounding beats of my heart when he looks me in the eyes and puts his hands on my body. This time has been about us, our roots and everything we are building with our love. Isolation has given us time to dig up the garden and cultivate the soil for our lives, cultivate our other relationships, our dreams and our aspirations simultaneously together and individually. The long summer days are absolutely full with ever-flowing love."
Shakti Bliss - Austin, Texas
87
"Quarantine has forced me to stay. It’s uncomfortable. It’s messy. It’s lathered in uncertainty. 15 years of trauma resiliency work and it’s the most vulnerable time of my life. I’m comfortable wrestling with my mental health, but this virus has put me face-to-face with my greatest fear: to be trapped in pain.
I feel like I’m living in a Fun House 24/7. Some moments make me laugh, some surprise me, some move me, some haunt me, and sometimes the perpetual sameness can feel eerily inescapable. My anxiety plays out like an infinity mirror, where thousands of versions of myself are strung out against an endless horizon. Everywhere I look is my reflection looking back at me.
I like having the option to leave. I like it so much that before the pandemic struck, I had three homes ‘just in case’ I grew tired of one. I’m the one who sneaks out of social gatherings without a goodbye. I stealth-exited my own wedding. The freedom to leave has been a privilege; and I’m realizing now, an avoidant coping mechanism that I’ve employed often.
Today is a slow, conscious unraveling of these defenses and walls. Eventually I have to square up with the mirror and look at myself. Really look. What truth am I avoiding? If I can’t face the truth in myself, how can I face the truth of my country? If I can’t bear the pain of my own suffering, how can I bear it in others?
There are lives and livelihoods at stake all around me. I know that long-term change is going to require a kind of radical self-reflection that heals me and us on a molecular level. And in the difficult times when I want to press the eject button and launch myself to a new reality, I vow the practice to stay."
Lisa Donato - Austin, Texas
88
"I am just about in love with everything about lockdown, except the parts where you can't visit your friends, see your family, make love to your lovers, travel across imposed borders to marry a partner, and walk outside without a mask on. These are things I miss... I love being alone, but I am also socially natured and need stimulation that goes above and beyond the virtual.
I spend my days at home creating thirst trap videos, taking nudes, doing naked yoga, writing essays, making/singing videos and telling my cat to stop using my tampons as toys - she has a weird need to play with the most expensive things in my home. I recently left my job because the institution was hypocritical, how can you claim to be led by feminist principles then turn around and place me on various disciplinary procedures because you don't like me claiming my body for what it is online? -As you can tell by my writing, I am a transparent person, I love to share and dissect, and talk about the various layers in any given situation and this means that I cannot be happy and live my truth in hypocritical spaces, - even if that means saying goodbye to the steadiness of an income during a global pandemic.
The world is changing faster and harder than it has in decades - we will have no choice but to bend a knee to the skies, the waters, the air, the love, and acknowledge that we are but the earth's eternal subs and we need to do better for her and for her living inhabitants. In this flurry of fast changes, don't get left behind and most importantly make sure you don't leave anyone behind. Even though we are socially distancing we are going to need each other in the coming years more than ever before. In your workspaces, in your private lives, in your social lives, wherever you go, do not leave anyone behind. The margins creating divides in society need to be removed and we will have to rely on each other to show up and be accountable, or shut up and get the fuck out!"
Kim Windvogel - Cape Town, South Africa
89
"2019 was by far the hardest year of my life. My mother was diagnosed with cancer & just a few weeks later, she was gone. It all happened so fast, which was an unforgettable lesson for me on how quickly things can change.
My mom was a single parent, who only later in my life became my best friend. Between adolescence & adulthood, we had a complicated relationship because she was VERY Christian, & I am ever-questioning & find great joy in challenging the norms. These elements are the recipe which make me a terrible Christian. As I grew into my own, I realized I’m not my mother, & she made it abundantly clear that she believed that someone failed someone in this situation, - either she failed me as a mother, or I failed her as a daughter, & a divide between us was the result.
We shared many things & didn’t share many things. As I’m mourning her, I’m learning to sift through the thoughts & beliefs that belong to her & what belongs to me. For most of my teen life, I wanted to be more like her & in my early adult years, I wanted to run from being like her. Now, I’m learning to be okay with the pieces that come from her & the pieces that are made up of my own life experiences.
My mother’s passing spearheaded me into living my life in a way that was more true to who I am, & it is through this process of dissecting our relationship that I am able to discover what that looks like. Travelling has always been a deep desire of mine but only after she passed did I ask myself, ‘what are you waiting for?’ Just a few months after her passing, I decided to leave South Africa & start a new chapter in Brazil. I don’t know if I initially ran away from dealing with it all, but that feels irrelevant as the Universe decided to force us to stop & deal with our shit.
In quarantine, I sit with my demons. I think healing has been tremendously romanticized. Truth is, healing is not pretty. Healing hurts. Facing trauma that I’ve been hiding from myself is the most painful part of adulthood. In retrospect, I feel like 2019 was preparing me for this moment in 2020. Life can change in a blink but slowing down is a great balancing act!"
Marian - Brazil
90
“Just in case you forgot in the last few moments, you are lovable, you are SO lovable that when people realize the magnitude of love that you can share it can be intimidating and sometimes cause people to lash out.•I believe that you love so fully that you leave love fingerprints on people that others can see and feel and are drawn towards.•I wish that you would hear this all the time, but naturally, you probably don't; that you are worthy. Of everything that you could ever want. You deserve every bit if it and if this isn't proof, I don’t know what is. Our friendship was forged in love so powerful that even after all these years, that net holds strong as ever. It's something that I am currently marveling at even in this moment.•I also spent too much time trying to be perfect. So hopefully I can remind you of how incredible you are as a human because you have never ever stopped being incredible to me. EVER.”
Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
91
“As empaths sometimes we find ourselves unwilling participants in channeling the trauma of others. I think there's lots of reasons for this; one being that if we can and they can't, human kindness states that we have a responsibility to help.
Sometimes when we feel blindsided with a wave of, where did that random completely unrelatable and unsympathetic to my current situation statement come from?•It’s because we are the lightning-rods.•We can't turn off the feelings without compromising ourselves. Sometimes we try to turn ourselves off, and that's how we slowly end up dying…”
Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
92
I think it’s hard for people to understand what we give as empaths... When you’re enigmatic & infectious, it can appear to others as effortless. And I was raised to make it look that way. Our love will be bottomless, but unfortunately so is our pain.•I’m coming out of a three-day spiral. I’ve photographed over 90 people in 90 days. It’s a complicated endeavor - this project, because I am triggered, & drained, & giving huge pieces of myself. I’m also phenomenally inspired by the individuals I’ve spent hours creating vulnerable depictions of their lives and the encouragement I continue to receive. I’m not ashamed to say I’m somewhat dependent on this work & feel empty without it. But this week a combination of events broke me. During this time in the world it is never just one thing that sends us over the edge when there is an umbrella of collective struggle. Little instances that may otherwise be tolerable can tip the scale of our internal stability & strength. -Rupi Kaur has this poem I’ve always needed to hear, & reread often for validation. “The good thing about loving in extremes is when I love I give them wings, but perhaps that isn’t such a good thing cause they always tend to leave, & you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve. I shatter.”
We are not easy to love. It is never going to be pretty when we hurt, & no one wishes they could change this more than me. Subsequently, I’ve been feeling unlovable lately while I try to crawl out of the abyss. I took that grief this morning & did what I do best; I created something new.•This is a tribute to myself & surviving all the days I momentarily disappear. These are also a tribute to the words of wisdom I received from other women during this time. I don’t believe in a “survival of the fittest” mentality. I think it takes an army of support to get through this world, & I’m thankful to have that even on days where it’s hard to feel.•People say a photo can capture your soul. Sometimes they say this out of fear. But I like to hope an image does capture a piece of my soul & traps all those feelings that need to be released…
Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
93
"I’m from Spain and my partner Raul is Tico. I’ve been living here in Costa Rica for 2 and a half years.
For me this pandemic has been a heavy ride. My family is from Madrid, one of the most infected cities at the beginning of the Covid-19 outbreak. My mom had to work as a doctor in a field hospital, and I witnessed all of their process while living in a parallel reality in another continent.
I have MS, (multiple sclerosis) and because I’m not fully integrated in the Costa Rican health system, I need to go to the doctor once a year in Spain, to get my medicine. Right now, with the boarders are closed, and I’m figuring out ways to access my treatment. When the pandemic started, we were in the middle of a healing process within our relationship, through a lot of patience and forgiveness we’ve manage to find a balance of coexistence and understanding during confinement. We are celebrating this week 3 years since we first met!"
Marta - Costa Rica
"I think we’re blessed to have been together when the world is going through all of this. It’s given us plenty of time to stare at our shadows and face some demons, leading to some real connection.
Staying creative has been key for us, and it’s given us a unique opportunity to work together on some dream projects. We started shooting music videos with our phones and dove into the whole process. Marta’s found her voice as a plastic’s artist, and I’ve gotten to explore new musical horizons. We’ve learned a lot of new skills and we’re very excited to be busy with projects.
People are stuck at home and we need stories now more than ever. I recommend whatever crazy thing you wanted to work towards, go for it! Use whatever’s available and just get started. It’s now or never baby, commit to the evolution!"
Raúl - Costa Rica
94
“It’s difficult to describe what this experience has been like for me, because in a lot of ways it has collided with one of the hardest years of my life. My Saturn returning. In certain aspects this quarantine feels like a reprieve. Like I'm able to mourn the things I’ve lost in some kind of peace and isolation. I can be indulgent with my tears. I can be slow & deliberate in how I heal. It felt a lot like I lost everything. My heart’s deepest desires. What I’d pined for & earnestly fought & sacrificed for. It felt like all of that labor was for nothing. Like it can be stolen, & like I beset on all sides by thieves. Everything leveled before me. It felt like I wasted precious time. Like being tied to a railroad track or on a sinking ship as the crew burned the life rafts. Hopeless. It was one of the deepest depressions I’d ever found myself in. It felt like absolutely nothing in my life wasn’t under threat & I was desperate but completely helpless to stop the onslaught & destruction.
I’m living alone again, for the first time in about 6 years. I wanted to surround myself with things that inspired me to live, to have hope, to believe in myself. It’s been a measured progress, & I couldn’t have achieved any of it without the support of my friends & loved ones. It’s taken a year for me to realize that I didn’t lose everything. That I’ve never stepped off of my path. I don’t know what the future holds for me. It might look very different than what I had pictured. But it’s still mine & I have a lot to be thankful for. I have my hands, my wisdom, my ability, my strength, my fortitude, my determination. The Nahuatl word for germination is “Itzmolini”, “To See-Movement” & not just any movement, “Ollin”, Labor contractions, Earthquakes, creation through destruction. Seeds are courageous beings. Little Xipe Totecs, Flayed ones, sacrifices, who burst from their carapaces & thrust their viscera to the sun. Sowing seeds is an act of trust, & hope.
You don’t see anything but darkness for what feels like an eternity, but you have faith the ground will eventually stir, & beauty will emerge. I think I can see life emerging now..."
Alicia - New Mexico, U.S.
95
"My name is Xoliswa; a South African finding, or losing herself during the pandemic in Honduras. When lockdown started there was so much hope that things will change in the world and this will be brief. Well it’s 3-months down the line and I’m experiencing a great sadness of not having hope. I was looking forward to going back home to what’s familiar, but instead I have to embrace the situation and enjoy what Honduras has to offer which is difficult when I primarily exist between these 4-walls.My feelings change all the time; at moments overwhelmed and sometimes grateful. My consciousness will become one of confusion.
Quarantined in a country you are a foreigner comes with obstacles hard to explain. The best I can do is take it one day at a time now, as Costa Ricans would say Pura Vida…"
Xoliswa - Tegucigalpa, Honduras
96
"I'm in the film industry, and my life partner is a musician. The past few months have come with a literal hold to our careers. This however has also allowed us to focus on our passion projects, have much needed family time and allowed us to prioritize what's important.
My desire has always been to homeschool my daughter, Neema. I just didn't know how it would happen and when I would find the time to get into the rhythm. We have finally been able to start this process and her transition was flawless.
She is concerned about the pandemic, the impact it has on people we know closely and how life drastically changed. It has been a good time for dad and I to point out life lessons based on an actual experience and to keep the positive vibes alive. We turn to books like "The Unworry Book" By Alice James, a fun activity book for kids specifically to calm their mind.
Through all the fears and uncertainty, I treasure and value family and loved ones now more than ever. I give gratitude to each day I get to breathe and experience life."
Natasha Fuji-Fredericks - Cape Town, South Africa
97
"When we first opened in Santa Marta, Colombia 10 years ago the streets were empty and dark. The city was just embarking on its transformation into a tourist destination of the Caribbean Coast. You could feel the energy of change and opportunity in the air. We rented an old building on a cobblestone street filled with photocopy shops. We put our heart and soul into creating a little cafe and with little to no prior restaurant experience parlayed our creative abilities, complementary skill sets and work ethic into a business that thanks to the tourist boom which quickly lined the streets with restaurants and hotels, employed 35 people and spanned 3 restaurants by March 2020.
Two-weeks later we were back to square one. The country entered lockdown on March 21, and as of today it is still employing a variety of lockdown only allowing you to leave your house on the day of the week that corresponds to your national identification number. With no income one day to the next, the only outlet for keeping our business afloat was to liquidate all of our employees and start over; the 2 of us doing the only thing we could legally do with our business, -deliveries. But this time we weren't the same 27-year old’s in love and intrigued by a relationship that crossed cultural and language barriers.
We now have 2 young children and a business 20 times the size of when we started in our tiny space. The same spark and desire for change in our lives that had brought us together is now 10 years in. It’s a more monotonous existence that combined with the stresses of managing a business together has its issues. Yet we always prevail. We found a new connection to our business, one that had been lost by becoming more hands off. We went back to the kitchen and the bar and began to build again.
The space also became a blessing providing a tiny excuse to escape to go to work. We now close at night and walk 3 blocks home content with our sales that on a good day are 3% of what they were. One behind the other though the dark deserted streets of the once lively Historic Center, attentive to make sure someone doesn't pop out of the shadows and rob us. The 2 of us forging into the unknown - how long can the lock down go on before the bills catch up - this time will our love be strong enough?"
Melissa & David - Santa Marta, Colombia
98
"In 120 days of COVID-19, I’ve experienced a wide range of emotions, especially observing all of these stories, from different corners of the world. Some about love, some perseverance... and others about the inevitable loneliness that comes with solitude. Fear for the safety of loved ones. Hearing them gave me hope, all of these perspectives were raw, heartfelt and poignant.
But the emotion that stands out the most in my life is optimism. These past months I took a break from what I love to focus on the people I love; BLACK WOMEN. Black-Transwomen in particular. Black people. To let them know that taking care of themselves is more than valid it’s power. Choosing to thrive. To be happy and to feel whole while working through your personal trauma, that is a form a protest within itself!
In a country devoid of opportunities and stories of black success, it is no longer enough to just survive. Black joy, not happiness. JOY. Is a non-negotiable for me at this point. I’m taking what’s mine. Do you want joy? -Then stop asking for a seat at their table and complaining about how they treat you when you get there. Build your own living-room, table, and chairs. Set your own rules. And no matter who supports you, keep going. That’s how you step into the life you deserve. This is what I learned in Quarantine."
Franki Phoenix - Austin, Texas
“I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.” - Angela Davis
99
"I have been social distancing in Los Angeles for months before quarantine. Having my own unofficial isolation trying to make healthier choices, break old patterns, get creative, and avoid any possibility of new friends that might drain my energy. This choice came from a cycle of toxic relationships on the back of a lot of loss…
I think being with yourself all the time is difficult because you can’t escape observing all the different versions of you. Sometimes I’m happy with nowhere to go, or I’ve thought myself a better chef, or a better dog-mom, or I think I love myself more. Other times I’m self-destructive, especially when I think of all my friends that are now dead and how uncomfortable I am with death yet keep having to face it. -Those are the fuck-it moments.
Most days I just try to allow myself to be whatever I am. As a stylist and costume designer I find normalcy in dressing like the life I want to have. It makes me feel better to look good even if it’s for no one but myself. All this time deep in thought and self-exploration has helped me deal with my shadow-side and realize in contrast how much love and energy I cannot wait to have the opportunity to give. Coming out of this I will value being in the world again where there is the possibility to meet another soul who has also taken this lockdown to know themselves better and is excited to share their fresh out-of-quarantine existence with me."
Danielle Daguilh - Los Angeles, California
100
"In many ways, my life hasn’t changed that much. I’m an ICU nurse, so I’ve still been going to work as usual, and I’m in an online school program that has continued as before. But in less tangible ways it feels like everything is different. Watching Austin open back up again while the hospital conditions are getting worse has been so frustrating. It feels like the world got bored of quarantine, so we just stopped protecting each other. My unit isn’t the primary Covid-ICU, but I’ve worked up there roughly 50% of the time in the past few weeks. It’s bleak, and these patients are so sick. It’s heartbreaking taking care of dying grandmothers who are stuck in isolation away from their families.
There are moments of joy though. My partner helps me see the beauty in things and makes me laugh every day. We’ve struggled together but we’ve grown together too. We started growing flowers on our balcony. We just adopted an 8-week-old puppy who is tons of work but very sweet!" -
Khamsin Meadows - Austin, Texas
101
"Since the first lockdown date (around the end of March) was announced, people went frantic and dived into panic buying, because of which resources went short and couldn't reach everyone uniformly. It was a task to get people to understand the severity of this pandemic. Police had to resort to baton charges to keep people indoors. We are infamous for being charged with a baton then only shall we abide by any policies. Or else we are like a bunch of spoilt brats moving about carelessly thinking it's a carefree atmosphere out there.
The unfortunate results are as below; India has surpassed Russia for the 3rd position just below USA and Brazil. The curve hasn't even flattened yet, and this is still not awakening our bulk population. They counter point stating the population vs number of cases ratio is less so we are quite better off than rest of the world. Well, that would stand true once you slow down the process, not when it is escalating abruptly.
I have been spending these 2.5 months and still counting in this space. It's my green art lounge studio by the name of; The Leaf Story.
I spent my time gardening and creating Terrariums and Atriums. I enjoy crafting these little ecosystems, they teach me a lot about how survival can be beautiful even in the smallest of spaces and how one can make their own world within themselves. These little wonders always inspire me to shrink down like a worm and live the world inside these forests and zen like spaces. Technically there is water content inside so every 4-5 hours one can visualise a clear view then a foggy sight and later heavy rainfall. The glass containers act as the ozone layer for these plants doubling up as a green house.
These babies (my plants) calm me down, pretty much from any sort of aggravated thoughts or hyper feelings. These months I got the opportunity to talk to them more and listen to them for hours. It's an addiction I would recommend all to try once. Especially during these trying times when many felt living alone was depressing or claustrophobic. Just a look at the little plant worlds inside these Terrariums would make one wonder the joyful capacity and strength to tolerate which nature has instilled in us.
Cheers to our little worlds." -
Nouman Malik - India
102
"In many ways, I am slightly disconnected from what the rest of the world is experiencing during this quarantine. When I wake and open my curtains, the first thing my eyes experience is paradise. I can see the beach from my window, I hear the birds singing, the sun is shining, and the trees are full of life. I take a deep breath and I feel grounded.
Being in Costa Rica during this pandemic, I finally gave myself the permission to nurture myself and really embrace my femininity. Who am I? A Goddess! In the beginning of the quarantine, I experienced a great deal of fear especially at night. How does one experience the world in crisis in a foreign country without the comfort of their friends and family? The culture and the nature in Costa Rica are the reason why I was able to stay stable and relinquish my fear. When I go to town, I am met with waves of “Hola” and “Pura Vida,” and air kisses from generous souls. Many offer their help, if it is needed, or check to make sure I am well. When my hands embrace the tenderness of the many plants and my skin is caressed by the waterfalls, I cannot help but to feel the nurture of mother earth reminding me through devastation there is peace and that's what nature provides us if we take care of it. Now, I'm fortunate to just experience the peace and pray for the rest." -
Bianca Patterson - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
103
"There are numerous times I have felt so conflicted. Like a breathing juxtaposition. My cognitive and emotional dissonance has been palpable. Never have I felt so alone yet connected, restricted yet free, at ease yet anxious. From back to back daily online meetings to sitting on social justice virtual panels to stressfully passing out on my couch for a good night’s and/or (most of the time) morning’s sleep, this pandemic has granted me the mental and emotional space to re-evaluate and recalibrate my life’s balance.
But two things remain consistent throughout all of this - my creativity and my Black Joy. For me, both of these work in tandem because I could not have one without the other.
As we, as a society, continue to fight injustices that are byproducts of a racially oppressive system, I find Black Joy to be even more important now than ever before and I express that Divine Joy through my various forms of creativity." -
Jeremy Rashad Brown - Austin, Texas
104
"Yesterday there was momentum. There was a sense that life was moving forward beyond the pandemic. There were plans being made for future projects, and then there was a text from my mom saying she was going to get tested, her friend/our neighbor just tested positive. I immediately a surge of guilt thinking of my co-workers and friends who I desperately hope I have not endangered. I decided to go with her and get tested, too.
Today we’ve gone back in time to a couple months ago when we were cancelling everything and taking things day by day. This comes as a reminder to slow down, but it also feels like a reminder that nothing can be consistent or relied upon… It will be a couple of days before we know the results, so in the meantime we're in limbo. Waiting, same as before when nothing was planned more than a couple days in advance, - not knowing what is about to happen, feeling unstable and protective. I wonder often if this will get better or are more people around me going to get sick... Yesterday we were on a roller coaster going upwards, and now I am on the edge before the drop, not knowing how far the drop will be, especially if my Mom is sick... We are not on the other side of this yet, still completely unsure of how it all will turn out and trying to stay hopeful. I'm making an effort not to get ahead of myself and just take life one day at a time, neither in the past or in the future."
Naomi - Reno, Nevada
105
"I’m craving a cigarette but those and alcohol have been banned in South Africa since the beginning of lockdown...
I am currently back on antidepressants and anxiety medication, it’s been years since I’ve needed chemicals just to make me feel normal.
Losing my Mother so suddenly ripped apart the very fabric of my life. She was taking care of my Dad who had a horrible strain of flu. She got sick but continued to clean, cook supper, and watch her favorite soapie, until she fell asleep and just never woke up again.
I don’t mind staying indoors, I don’t really miss the outside world that much, but I miss my family. I wish I could physically be there for my Dad who is trying to adjust to being without his soulmate after 50 years.
I was in a dark space after my Mum passed on. Words can’t describe the internal brutality of those first few months waking up knowing I will never see her smile or get a hug. Mum always gave the best hugs.
For months I chose not to go on medication despite the grief. But seeing the face of the person who sexually assaulted and stole my childhood, after 31 years triggered me and I started sinking into the void that is depression. Somehow, I found the courage to open up on social media about my journey with mental illness because in my Colored community, it’s still a very taboo issue. So many people fighting silent battles because of fear of being mocked, ridiculed and victimized. I wanted to start conversations about it so that it can eventually be normalized, which will hopefully lead to more safe spaces being created for our loved ones to feel comfortable asking us for help, instead of us asking ourselves at their funerals "Why didn’t they speak up?”
Through all the chaos of living through a deadly global pandemic, sharing my truth has been a scary yet liberating experience. I’ve connected with total strangers online who saw my post and they think I am doing them a favor by offering a safe space but actually me helping them is healing me.
It’s such a weird time to exist in, dealing with intense light and darkness… Yes, I have a lot of work to fix the broken pieces of my heart. Yes, I will miss my Mum until the day I take my last breath and we are reunited. But I’m filled with so much gratitude for all my blessings. I am surrounded by an amazing support system of friends and family who shower me with an abundance of love and compassion. That love has saved my life."
Earl Hendricks - Cape Town, South Africa
106
"I would never have imagined that within days every routine in my life would change. I live in Manuel Antonio; Costa Rica and my days were spent teaching yoga. In the past months since COVID-19 both good and bad things happened. I’ve felt like a washing machine spinning. Without the same familiar structure of my day-to-day this time took me to the deepest low of my work situation. I went through a lot of anxiety, anguish and pain regarding choices and the end of long-term relationships. But from there has come the best part; the ability to confront my fears and walk towards the dream of opening my own yoga-business. Suddenly my body is light, and I started to dance again. Creativity re-emerged and the sensation of wholeness and joy is alive in me. My recent experiences have been followed by a lot of self-enquiry and finally I’m in a place of gratefulness… A cycle ended, but with strength and love a new one has begun."-
Carolina Uzaga - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
107
"My girlfriend Diana and I came to the Eje Cafetero a month before quarantine with plans to eventually leave Colombia to work abroad. Diana's sister Victoria is a professional dancer also working overseas. She came to visit us and family in between work contracts. We all were here for what we thought was a short break when we found ourselves stuck. But being together has been better than any of our previous plans. I moved my yoga business completely online and connected to international clients who are also navigating this new world of at-home-yoga. Diana has started selling cheese from her auntie's nearby farm to the local community. Victoria teaches dance online and makes homemade ice cream that we sell from our house.
Best of all we have created a studio space in our home. We hope that after the quarantine we can open this space to the public as a wellness center and a creative outlet. In the meantime, we are filling it with love.
We feel so fortunate to be together, safe, in an unexpected home. Even though this wasn't part of any of our life-goals, we feel lucky that the universe brought us together and that we are finding ways to expand in this new restricted reality."
Amy - Eje Cafetero, Colombia
108
"This pandemic has forced so much of the world into isolation, it's recognized as an everlasting process of closing in. However, for me it has had the opposite effect. I have become a nomad traveling my country in Costa Rica. I am experiencing this quarantine from the outside, where the world without so many humans is most positively affected. It is as if I build my own reality every few days, where the background is constantly changing, and nature embraces to protect me."
Mario - Costa Rica
109
"I come from a conservative, right wing, Southern Baptist home in Houston, TX, I grew up thinking the world worked a certain way and everything else was the mark of the devil. I realized in high school I was gay but thought prayer could solve the “issue”. I was broken but if I just kept dating men, I’d get over it. I joined the army in 2006, making my mom prouder of me than I had ever actually felt before. I needed to get out of Houston. I felt suffocated.
Once I got away, I started to realize things weren’t as I had believed. I had my first real girlfriend and realized that I didn’t care where I spent eternity because I was happy. Still cried myself to sleep but I was happy.
I got out and decided I needed to help people, so I started studying social work. I live in Austin where I’ve learned so much about the things happening in the world. To the Black community and to my personal LGBTQ +. I stopped crying and feeling broken and decided to stand up and face the monsters that always made me feel like there was something wrong with me and to fight for others that were raised to think they were inadequate.
During this time of Covid-19 I've been out protesting for nearly all the BLM events. Safety is always first. Everyone wears masks and sanitizer is being passed around. There are first aide volunteers, music, free food from local vendors, water being passed out by the case from cars driving by, and all around a strong community vibe.
I believe the timing of this pandemic, the frustration over our President, and the sequence of a black man being hunted by 3 rednecks and murdered in the street for jogging, followed by George Floyd who was murdered on video by an officer for 8:46 minutes created a superstorm that has become the largest civil rights movement in history. People weren’t too busy to stop giving full attention this time. With this movement, there is no fence. You're either for it or you're against it. Complacency is not acceptable. It shouldn’t be this hard to hold officers accountable. Iv'e learned being an ally is a NEVER-ENDING process. Always be willing to sit down, shut up and learn, or be willing to have that difficult conversation." -
Chrissy O'Donnell - Austin, Texas
110
"My parents and most of my family have relocated to Kansas. My old roommate moved quickly for her dream job, and I moved in with my older brother which was supposed to be temporary.
Texas is one of the worst states to be in for Coronavirus, and I’m working at the mall, risking my life so people can shop… But that’s the way it is, and I need the money.
I’ve been trying to navigate my heart, my emotions, and my depression lately. Desire and passion have left me. Especially in this dark cloud of isolation.
Words don’t come easily to me, I don’t always know how to say what I mean initially, but I’m used to being able to express myself in a multitude of ways; dancing, singing, designing costumes. When I don’t get to share myself there’s no outlet and I feel without purpose.
I am searching for some level of normalcy. But I don’t know what is normal is or what it will be anymore. This quarantine deeply effects the mind...
I just want to feel alive again. I want to be the sister, the friend, the lover who is deserving of the affection I so desperately crave and need. For now, I’ll be reflecting and slowly move forward."
Deb - Dallas, Texas
111
“She didn’t know that my heart was a sandstorm waiting to open her skin in a desert of cuts. She didn’t know the animal that waited in my stomach, silently shredding the walls. For her, my heart wore small white shoes and carried a purse, went to bed early. I wanted to shoot myself into her arms so she understood the need to crash cars with me, to tear up pavement because we were beautiful.” ― Michelle Tea, Valencia
Alexandra - Boquete, Panama
112
"It’s a recent new moon and I can’t believe I know that. I live in a place where human goddesses remind you of where we’re at with the moon. But actually, my taxi driver told me it’s a new moon in "Cancer" this week. Cancer, being me, so it’s important. I thought about that for a while.
All I want is to suck the moon and chaos out of you."
Alexandra - Boquete, Panama
113
"This project is unlike any work I’ve ever attempted. It’s built on my own need to stay connected & a desire to have some relief in the idea of creating a time capsule.
I love putting my energy in to “This is Quarantine.” However, I realize I need breaks. I’ll be taking 3-day hiatuses to breathe & consider how I’m feeling. These days of reflection will be channeled into depicts of three self-portraits that represent my current most prominent quarantine obstacle or enthusiasm.
Current vibe; I really miss the safety of queer-space. I realize the past 8 years my life has been very gay. Primarily all my circles of friends are lgbtq+.
I walked into a BBQ the other night. Never met the host before. This man made a point to bombastically highlight his favor towards me as I entered his house. I tend to bristle when met with this kind of sloppy lack of decorum. He then tried to aggressively coax me into a hug, phrased more like a rhetorical question. I said, "no, I rather not." He proceeded to announce to a full room of people that I refused his hug, & when I ignored his entitled-fragile-gaslit attempts to shame me, he escalated into somewhat of a tantrum, which was interrupted by another white-cis-male announcing that I’m a lesbian, the implication being that my sexuality is why I’m uninterested in embracing the creepy-Santa before me…
So today I miss lesbians. Not sex. Not gay bars. Not tinder-matches. Just women who love women… I shot a couple last week for this project. I barely knew them when I lived in Austin, but I was so struck by the way they melted into each other, & when I got off zoom my tears caught me off guard. That’s what I miss. I miss seeing it, I miss being in it. I miss feeling safe. But I’m so grateful to know I will never take that feeling for granted again.
Thinking of all my fluid friends. Can't wait to inevitably be with you again & create beautiful displays that stroke the fine line between fantasy & reality, provoking those who wonder what they're missing."
Alexandra - Boquete, Panama
114
"I’ve always dreamed of living on the beach and now I finally am in one of my favorite places.
It was very difficult as a Costa Rican to have all beaches closed and not have as much access to nature for the first time. My spirit belongs in the waves, but even if everything stops, my internal fire keeps expanding, giving life to wonderful new things. I always am aware my soul is free and will flow through space and time."
Silvia Ortiz Salgado - Costa Rica
115
I began lockdown outside Bangalore with my family, and when things looked a little safer I moved back to the city. I was happy to be independent but had become so close to my family again in isolation, and the loneliness was a little overwhelming to be in my apartment alone. I felt really lost, and deep in social media for connection. That’s how I met my boyfriend.
It’s been a month and I think I can say I love him... It’s really scary actually, that’s not something I would say normally so soon. I’m trying to take it slow, but this pandemic is not normal. There’s nothing I have to compare it to in life, or in a relationship. Usually when I start seeing someone, I’m very social, we go to parties around other people, we go on dates, and honestly, we have other options. But quarantine reduces all distractions that preciously felt lost in so many opportunities.
Now we have been quarantining together. I wanted this photo shot in his house, wearing his clothes. It’s brought us closer to have no obligations, or superficiality... I’m not traditional necessarily but this has helped us eradicate all the things that were distracting and eroded the foundation of a relationship.
There’s our fear for the future and these are stressful times, yet we are falling for each other in it. It’s uncharted territory in terms of starting a relationship, but I feel so positive about this. I’m happy to slow down in life. I can’t exactly explain with words how comforting it is during this time to have someone that is there for me in a way I didn’t expect."
Rinima - Bangalore, India
116
"My bed is my sanctuary. It is where I come to reflect, cry, ponder, cultivate, and pray... The first few months of quarantine hit me hard. Two weeks before lockdown, I had signed a lease to a new apartment in Austin, Texas where I was moving to after living with my parents for several years. It felt like I was transitioning into complete independence. The new job that I had just signed an offer on simultaneously let me go. My life felt as if it was in shambles. Like I was somehow failing despite having no real control
Through those times of uncertainty, fear and sometimes weakness, I looked for my bed. It is here where I decided I would not let this pandemic defeat me. I have to let go of the things that I cannot control and change simply what I can. So I did. I prayed more, shed a few more tears to release the panic and anger, then started to create the best possible routine with what I have right now.
I can't help but feel the universe heard my efforts to have a positive attitude because I've started to find my balance."
Saibeth - Austin, Texas
117
“I've spent most of my time as a cover artist in bars. I’ve been showered in regular up close and personal praise for the last 13-years that I’ve been playing. When all of a sudden every venue was shutdown fast, and it was tough to transition into online livestreams. But I’ve realized after a while that this is just another medium with its own pros and cons. Now I feel comfortable engaging with people also stuck at home, and have discovered that personal interactions are still the key to having a good show.
I went from being in front of crowds to just spending time with my 20-year-old brother in quarantine every day. It’s been nice, we didn’t really know each other growing up since I’m 12 years older than him. We've spent our time watching classic movies and tanning on our roof. I finally made a habit of using the elliptical that I bought and had somehow transformed into a coat-rack. We had to learn to cook for ourselves with our limited knowledge. I’ve really tried to make the best of this situation...
At some point I stopped caring about what day of the week it was and what time it was because it didn’t matter. I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. I would sleep whenever I felt tired and at some point I would sleep when the sun came up, and wake up at sunset. I’m secretly an introvert at heart but the dichotomy of being a performer creates balance in my life. This time that I’ve experienced since the shutdown has felt transformative and I think it will have a lasting effect on how I live my future.
There is definitely no substitute for a packed room applauding you. But it feels good to do good. People still write, and call, and tell me how my performance made them feel. It’s validating and makes me happy to realize that entertainment is still a necessary thing, especially in times like these when people need to feel uplifted.” -
Jack Wolf - Key West, Florida
118
"They say you change when you have a child, and I didn't really think too much about the significance of that until it happened… When Elena was in my womb, I kept myself pretty healthy and relatively stress free. But I had changed mentally, physically and was preparing to enter this new stage. My priorities were already shifting when Covid hit. When everything on our tiny island went into lockdown, I was more mentally prepared than I thought. It almost worked to my advantage to be allowed this time so many new mothers are often denied.
The hardest thing has been missing family, even while they are so close. I'm grateful that right before this pandemic, back in March, I got to celebrate my birthday with my brother since we almost share the same birthday. It’s strange but beautiful to cherish a memory of all of us, when it would otherwise be a normal occasion.
I'm deeply fortunate to have my husband and daughter, and in some ways, I really lean into her as she grows and learns about the world around her. It helps me to keep my mind off anxieties and prioritize what is important about the future. She reminds me to be grateful for the present. When I look into her eyes, I see the purity of innocence and the joy in her smile, and I find peace in the everyday fascinations that come with protecting this little being." -
Christina Torres - Key West, Florida
119
“I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I don’t fit, but I am happy I get to spend quarantine in a space I have made comfortable for myself with the support of my community, near and far.
I didn’t have my own space growing up, so it means a lot that as an adult I can afford a room of my own, to make my home my own, and thankfully still afford rent despite all the job cuts and loss of income around the world. The importance of having a space that feels safe for me is like breathing into a personal oasis because I know what life without this feels like.
Quarantine provides me with an abundance of time to reflect on what fuels my destructive patterns but coming out on the other side gives insight into what makes me strong. I’ve struggled with the projections that made me feel like I’m not light skinned enough, or not femme enough, or not queer enough. Fixating on this false sense of unworthiness made me lose sight of sitting in my uniqueness and celebrating it. Alone with myself I am taking the opportunity to unravel these ideas.
What gives me strength is cultivating connection with my ancestors. Having a Hindu grandmother with a tattoo while being raised Muslim was very hard. I was taught that people with tattoos were going to go to hell but when I realized that is a bunch of fear-mongering-rhetoric I decided to get the same tattoo as her. She has hers on her right arm as a sign of respect to elders when she served them, I have mine on my left arm as an act of defiance as well as a way of paying my respects to her history and the womxn who came before me.”
Rumana - Johannesburg, South Africa
120
"I’m originally from Argentina but this pandemic caught me in Panamá City, hub for the highest concentration of Covid cases in Central America. On the 37th floor of one of the tallest buildings with ocean views by renowned architect Phillipe Stark. It’s beautiful but lonely… Restrictions are the strictest in Latin America, you may only go out three times a week according to your sex and during particular hours according to your ID-number. So, I was in almost total lockdown for 4 months.
I work as a marketing consultant and have built many ways I perceive myself to be. I’m precise with my words and consider myself to hold a lot of composure. I thought I was strong and stable. But this crisis has deconstructed what I thought I knew about myself. No more distractions, no more routine, I just had to sit with new feelings of scarcity, abandonment, and a rapid escalation into obsession over connections I would be able to release under normal circumstances. I found myself crying every day and unable to articulate why. It’s really scary to go from having a sense of control to unstable... I tried yoga, meditation, universe/ cosmos science, chopra-courses, numerology, human design profiling, and while everything helped me know more about myself, that internal pain always found its way to make an appearance.
Last week, I found a plane ticket to visit a friend outside Panama. She feels like family, and when she hugged me, I burst into tears, I had been holding on to so much, and at that precise moment the pain faded. I’ve learned in all of this that human connection is the most powerful and important thing for us. This way of living in isolation is not natural and we will all need to find a way to heal."
Sheila - Miami, Florida
121
"Ideally 2020 was meant to be my social year. I had challenged myself as a resolution to be more open to adventure, connecting and invite external joy in the outside world, in the city of Cape Town.
That all changed late March when lockdown became a reality in South Africa. I found myself in a space where I had to face myself and keep myself safe at the same time; this came in a series of struggles at first, balancing rest, attending virtual classes, writing a thesis and film script all while being human and trying to get used to virtual connection.
I had to be a safe space for myself and cultivate my own adventure, I had to learn to be the source of my own joy. Storytelling and books have not been my escape but they’ve led me right back to myself.
All in all I’ve been integrating valuable lessons about self-love, the importance of friendship and family and most importantly listening to my internal voice, my body and intuition... This will get me through."
Tebogo Nong - Cape Town, South Africa
122
"I called my grandmother Gigi. She taught me how to pick and make raspberry jam. She taught me how to dance around pear trees, so they grow strong. She used to sing to me; “There was a little girl, Who had a little curl, Right in the middle of her forehead; When she was good, She was very, very good, But when she was bad she was horrid!” -I always knew what she was trying to tell me…"
Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
123
"I’m in love. At least as I understand it. My mother told me once being in love is when you can’t imagine your life without that person… She was engaged once, and he fell asleep at the wheel. Slid under a semi-truck and it dragged him for miles until he broke every bone in his face. The way she told me; “Never marry someone you wouldn’t take care of when every bone in their face is shattered.”
My father told me love is when you feel you won the lotto but could lose it all and feel the same.
I have never felt that way. I’ve earned a masters in heartbreak instead. And yet I know I love every bone in her body. When I think you’re wrong, I won the lotto listening to you justify it. That’s how I know.
In quarantine you can’t have everything, but it becomes apparent what you want most."
Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
124
"Oh sweet woman, I give your love permission to grind me into dust." -Ox
Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
125
"When this quarantine started, I was still engulfed in what healers would call “the dark night of the soul.” The winter Covid-19 started, I was living in a town of 800 folks in interior Alaska with no streetlights. I realized I needed to get sober. This was the best and worst realization I could have experienced.
A lot of trauma surfaced that I thought I was past. A year prior someone had made an attempt on my life with a gun. This caused me to have some severe PTSD. I was afraid of most things after that. Strangers. Being alone, loud noises; it was all amplified by living in a town with no streetlights in the dead of winter in Alaska. Needless to say, I had a lot to overcome. So, when quarantine began, I was unfazed at the beginning. I wasn’t ready to face the world anyway after what had been going on in my head. It was triggering to even go to work so engulfed in my trauma. I just wanted to cry all the time.
Not working has been a true blessing for me. There are so many aspects of myself that I’ve needed to unravel. PTSD was taking over my life and I have been fighting to reclaim my identity every day.
I have a strange but authentic thrill voicing my story. Maybe people think I should be ashamed… But I honestly find gratification in watching the shock people experience when they hardly know me.
I share my story because I want to be known. If I’m weird, this is why. That’s why I got this SURVIVOR tattoo. I want people to know, I’ve been through many lives. And I am not going anywhere. I’m here, I’m alive, and it’s my greatest accomplishment is to continue to exist. I save myself. I continue to save my own life.
Being a trauma survivor makes a pandemic just another event to endure. People like me, we’ve dealt with so much adversity it’s normal to go through bouts of self-isolation and living in the unknown. For me, it’s just more of same. And I’m learning that in life we just have to take one day at a time."
Jenna - Alaska, U.S.
126
"Living this pandemic-experience in paradise Costa Rica has helped me to grow as a human being in ways beyond my expectations. I came here to work as a microbiologist at the local hospital of this beautiful beach town, leaving behind family and friends. I've felt more isolated than ever from my support group and people I trust in.
I was also going through my own grief at the beginning of this virus. I lost 2 important people; my grandma passed away and I ended my relationship with my boyfriend. It was a time when normally I needed my support system most and instead had to face myself in a situation far away from home, where all my demons and fears were crawling out of the closet. However, I’ve really learned to appreciate this time with myself because I’ve had to be self-dependent in order to thrive depended on me.
A couple weeks ago beaches began to open and after months of fearing this virus I was diagnosed with Covid-19 and went into an even more severely enforced lockdown. Fortunately, I’m lucky to be strong and I’m finally making a full recovery!
My advice is, if you are struggling with global pain, channel and take advantage of that, make your mind clear, and try to see what you can put in order in your life. Most importantly be kind with people around you and don’t lose faith"
Edgar - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
127
"I am lucky enough to be quarantined with my husband and animals in a rural town called Durand, Michigan. As introverts our lives weren't impacted by the pandemic at first, other than me being out of work and my husband Aaron no longer an essential worker in a candy factory.
It was about 2-weeks in that I really started to decline mentally considering the state of the world and just the magnitude of how everything in my life was completely different. Even my home was under construction; I couldn’t create peace while being forced to be there and every aspect of my world felt out of control.
I have spent a lot of time reevaluating the relationships I have, some of which I need to let go of, or change my level of communication and dependency on. Add in the political climate and racial tension in America. I'm fucking terrified because I live in a heavily white conservative area surrounded by trumpers not taking the pandemic seriously and unapologetically racist. Being more aware of all the racism in people I loved and cared for has my whole world rocked. The combination of these daily realizations is a melting-pot for instability.
In short, without sugar-coding it, my quarantine has consisted of lots of crying, mood swings, naps, smoking all the weed, creating art, and visiting greenhouses to keep adding to my plant collection.
There were many months in my past of not being able to be alone in my thoughts because I would just go to dark places, but now I have exhausted all the possibilities and have a different kind of peace within myself, which is a great feeling..." -
Alyssa Guild - Durand, Michigan
128
"I've never craved the ocean more. I've been quarantined in Johannesburg, so I'm lucky to have access to basic needs. At least it has felt that way, at times. But to be immersed in saltwater would be so comforting right now I can feel it on my skin…
In this moment my emotions and moods are showing up at their own pace in different forms. I let them be. Months of dealing with collective and personal grief has been humbling. At first everyday felt long, now blink and a month has passed. Still no end to lockdown. These days I rely on my personal cardinal pillars; water, rest, breath and love to get by. At night I close my eyes and try to imagine that I am the ocean I crave, expansive and tumbling. Dealing with waves, followed by more waves. I too have my low and high tides. At times unpredictable, ruthless, soothing... swayed by the moon" -
Rorisang Motuba - Johannesburg, South Africa
129
"Chaos has always felt like home to me. In the beginning of this pandemic I was quarantined with a lover. We both lost our jobs and I watched the business I had poured my heart and soul into take a nose-dive. I tried to look on the bright side of things. I created art, gardened for the first time in years and finally had time to finish the books I had started months prior. My house was probably the cleanest it’s ever been and I began learning a new instrument. However, as uncertainty continued, my momentum slowed and my demons came out to play. I started having nightmares again. I mourned loss and gained perspective. I waged wars on myself and also created peace within myself. I learned to let go of expectations of others and depend on what I could do on my own. I learned to love myself a little more and in turn I will come out of this able to love others more freely.
In a way I’m grateful for the way things have fallen to pieces. It seemed like the end of the world at the time but it’s allowed me to rebuild in all aspects and attract people who are more aligned with who I am." -
Deyton Leigh - Austin, Texas
130
“Summer is coming, I can feel the spring on my back through the crack in the door where the sun slips in."
Qondiswa - South Africa
131
"My life partner Zach and I had just moved in together a few days before the quarantine lock down in Denver, Colorado. It had been Zach's birthday. I was feeling stressed due to losing work contracts and struggling to manage anxiety, depression and ptsd during a global pandemic as an immunocompromised person.
When it became clear that the lock down was going to remain in effect for a long time, I decided one Saturday to drag out a house plant and raw canvas and create a make shift beach next to our composter in the shared backyard. It was clear that no one had been using the backyard and there was years of trash and debris. Most of the yard was dead and dried dirt. But I didn't let that stop me from making my own inner peace paradise. I played ocean waves from my speaker, packed a snack and book to read like I would whenever visiting the beaches of Coney Island, Coco Beach Fl, Negril Jamaica or Tulume Mexico.
I stayed outside relaxing for 5 hours! I enjoyed it so much that I wanted to recreate a space for my inner peace. I then realized it was silly- that I was taking house plants from inside and got courage to start planting flowers, vegetables and herbs outside. I was terrified to plant anything. I was afraid of killing the plants! But Zach encouraged me and overtime we created our urban inner peace garden. Now we spend every morning outside to meditate and enjoy mindfully made french press coffee together.
Apparently our inner peace garden has been bringing inner peace to a few of our neighbors too. One of the teens in our building comes to meditate and asks me for mindfulness tips. Sometimes the little things are big."
Quana - Denver, Colorado
132
"I’ve lived in this house for over 20 years. When I first moved here there was no one, just jungle but it’s changed a lot…
To be honest, I don’t care about the quarantine. I’m 68years old and I have always lived alone. Maybe when I was younger that bothered me but now, I am good with myself and I have many friends that come by for a drink. We spend the whole day cooking, laughing and playing music. I’m not sick and I like to stay home, so it’s ok. It’s a good life."
Miguel - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
133
"Zekey and I have spent nearly every hour of this quarantine together, and still even on the days I feel I can't handle one-more pinprick of another obstacle or look at another soul, I always want him near me. I never imagined I could telekinetically speak with a creature or would want to. I wasn't a dog person... Honestly, I'm not sure I am now, but I am a Zekey person. He's curbs my fear at night, moves with me through my day, keeps me on my toes and melts my heart!!
My puppy and this project has saved my sanity over the past 5-months. I am SO eternally grateful for all those that opened up and participated in this photo-series.”
Zekey and Alexandra - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
134
Quarantine has been defined by shedding light on what I thought I had lost. Last year I came out of an almost 9-year marriage at 29, I was totally disconnected from my sense of self. My childhood was chaos, and at 20 I found the order and consistency I was craving through religion and my marriage. Over the past decade I slowly could no longer stand behind religion or my husband. Healing is an iterative process, so I took quarantine as an opportunity to build a cocoon. I started daily yoga and meditation, weekly therapy, and tackled my greatest fear; being alone.
On August 28th, my younger brother took his life, ending his suffering from schizophrenia. Reading his journals, he was just like me, hiding his battles with mental illness out of shame, trying to make himself fit into a society that wasn’t made for him.
My brother shed light on the past for me, and the rest of my 3 siblings. After his funeral, they all moved to Vancouver. The four of us are now together in the same city for the first time in years. Just like he isolated until the end, we all hid our pain and its effects, beating ourselves up for struggling with daily life. His actions made the denial of our shared trauma impossible. He wrote in his journal; “Don’t ask why, ask what I can Iearn?” I say this multiple times a day to myself.
I’m glad I’m moving through this on my own because as I’ve fallen in love with myself. The universe has also blessed me with an abundance of loving connections. I’ve made peace with being by myself and I don’t have to be lonely anymore.
Anna Garcia - Vancouver, Canada
135
“Finding a relationship that you truly want to be in during a pandemic is the strangest thing! Everything feels crazy. Socializing is difficult and yet, in all of that, meeting her stabilized me… ‘She’ is the only thing that’s constant.
I hate the idea of being a U-Haul-lesbian-stereotype. In ‘normal’ life, I would have had ALL the walls up to make sure I didn’t fall into that trap, but quarantine makes you face what you really need. In this world of chaos, she is my safe space. I don’t know where, or how far gone I’d be in this without her.
2020 was supposed to be my year of ‘learning and growth’. I thought that meant travel and exploring, but I have found it means sitting in quiet and letting things grow. We do that in our relationship and trying our hand at gardening.
In the mix of all of this, it’s been important to see things from another pair of eyes and shift my perspective. My needs are basic; my girl, my work, that everyone to stay safe, and to get 45 out of office!”
Jamie - Austin, Texas
136
"I grew up in Quepos but moved to Manuel Antonio with my baby 27-years ago. The street was nothing but a rough dirt path, you could walk 4ft and slide back 8ft. I’m the reason they decided to create an asphalt road, mostly because the municipal president owned property further down past my house. I know everyone and have watched this neighborhood grow.
When I was a boy, life felt truer to 'Pura Vida' mentality. Now people think more of money and can be a little selfish. So, I try to be kind and always in service like my mother and father taught me. Not because I’m stupid or think other people are better than me, but because it’s the right thing to do.
Honestly, I’m 70, I know I’m old but I’m not worried about myself in this pandemic. My children are taking care of me. I’ve played so much in my life and if it’s my time, it’s my time. What I worry about is what this means for the young people. This virus is like a biblical plague, or Noah’s ark when the world drowns. Maybe it’s also a call to love.
We need to love more and take care of what’s important."
Jesús Avelino Araya Vega - Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
137
"When Covid hit, I was working part time as an in-home caregiver for the elderly. When life began to shut down because of the pandemic, mine actually got busier. I found myself working with multiple clients, often maintaining 60-70 hours per week. I don't even believe in the 40-hour work week. I think 30 hours is plenty. But there was a need. And I was able to fulfill it. I figured, where else do I have to be?
I was living to work, not working to live. I drifted away from a piece of myself that was central to all I am and do as an artist. My studio was packed away in boxes and my apartment got messier and messier. When I was home from work, I slept. Cuddled my dog and cat. Watched Netflix. Got high. Found ways to relax to the same extreme that I was working. But it wasn't balance like a scale is balanced. It was more like a teeter-totter - I swung so far one way, then had to swing to compensate. The deeper I got into this pattern, the messier my space became. Dishes piled up. Heaps of clothes were moved from chair to couch, never folded and put away.
I've been in my new apartment for over a month now and it is still a long list of to-dos’ that I play over in my head at night. Perhaps it is a visual representation of this lesson that I am still learning; I am really good at taking care of other people, but I struggle to find joy in taking care of myself. I admitted to one of the women I care for that I am messy, and my apartment is a disaster zone. She said, “you had me fooled.” -I know. I have a lot of people fooled. The mess has lingered longer than usual because the main thing that motivates me to clean is to have a beautiful space for others to enjoy. I haven't learned how to give that gift to myself. I'm taking the next week off of work to care for my needs. Maybe that will include finally clearing off the kitchen table. Or maybe not."
Aaron - St. Louis, Missouri
138
“I live in Key West, a place that never sleeps and is continuously overstimulated. It’s a place where we already live on top of each other; houses, apartments, bars, stores... Everything crammed together on one tiny subtropical island. Quarantine happened during our peak season, and everything came to a screeching halt. Then they closed the beaches. So, where were we supposed to go?
At first, I started a workout routine, riding my bike around our 2x4 mile island. At the beginning of quarantine, it was frowned upon to even be outside because nobody knew how contagious this thing was. At the time, my apartment was in a renovated hospice facility. Not the ideal place to spend all of my days, but at least I had a home. After a month or so it became ridiculously hot out, too much to bear biking 10 miles a day, so after investing 240 miles, I became exhausted physically and emotionally. Then reality set in. What do I do next? I was still out of work until July, and even that wasn’t certain.
Before quarantine, I’d started practicing doing hair on my own. My sister is a top-notch hair stylist, so for years I would call her and ask questions about bleaching, color, etc. There is a huge science behind it all. Over time, I perfected my own technique on myself, leading to a slew of compliments, and thus, requests from my friends to color their hair as well. Since nobody could go to a salon during quarantine, I decided I should start practicing on friends that were willing.
Everything is still unknown. And the unknown tends to be terrifying, especially during this unprecedented time. I’m usually in tune with many things, but when I ask myself what the future will look like, I can’t imagine. It’s a hard thing to navigate. Sometimes we just have to surrender. We’ve never really been in control. And sometimes, we just need to let go and dye our hair by the pool— getting dressed up to go nowhere…” -
Chelsea Michael Frazier - Key West, Florida
139
"As the only introvert in my family of 4, lockdown has been a challenge. I've taken evening walks for solitude and for something else... I am filled with so many emotions and my usually repository channels for disbursement are not available. Many wise, witchy women have told me to seek nature to cope.
"The earth can be a container for your emotions," they say."The earth has already taken so much," I push back."The earth will support you," they whisper.
I often thought about taking the advice. I think I thought so much about releasing energy into nature that I thought I did it. But I didn't.
However, now, out of lack of options (and also some gratitude for no strict policies on when someone can leave their home), I do. I love that in nature I don't have to answer why my demeanor is a certain way. I don't have to "hold it together" for the sake of anyone. The emotional ping-pong of "I was reacting to you, reacting to me" is not present.
I walk tree lined paths and find traces of water and solitude and I try and do the thing of releasing my anger, anxiety, fear, and grief. I'm not sure if it really works, but I want to keep screaming because the anger needs that sort of release. -I don't because I don’t want to conjure the alarming assumptions attached to a woman screaming in the woods. So I just focus on moving my body and the energy that is swirling in me. Sometimes I walk briskly, sometimes sluggishly, occasionally even a bit dancey.
I don't have a one-liner to tie this photo essay into a bow. I just know that before COVID I did not seek walks and sit in nature. And now I do and I hope it's a habit that stays with me post-pandemic. It's nice to not bump into emotions or expectations and just walk forward."
Miranda Wylie - Austin, Texas
140
“These past months have been tumultuous, and yet peaceful at the same time. I believe like many I did not understand the gravity, or I did not want to when the pandemic began.
As the number of lives lost increased and business began closing, I took the situation profoundly serious. With the collective commitment of the many I was almost certain it would end soon. Wishful on my part. Treating the issue with such intensity became a personal attachment of character. It was a sign of weakness to engage in preventative measures in reducing the spread. I started to feel as a bird in a cage. Bouncing from wall to wall, stuck.
I noticed my coping mechanism were not working, it being debatable they ever had... I was having an extreme time, losing grip on the progress I had previously created. I began drinking a lot, exposing myself to the possibility to Covid. I drank myself into a depressive state. I planned to return home, but then my roommate was exposed and had to quarantine.
Knowing I needed to get a hold of the light I planned my journey back to balance but couldn’t seem to get there... Tomorrow turned into the next day, then the next day. I was running, scared. Tragically, my friend and I were destructive with each other, a fight ending our friendship. It was at that moment I knew I needed to take control again. So, I left. I came to be in this space with a friend who has also spent so much of his time alone. I see this as an opportunity to sit still, find moments of peace
I want to blame Covid for my actions, but I cannot. I am just hopeful for the future…”
Shane - Austin, Texas
141
"For the past 6 months, I've been quarantining with the company of my boyfriend and our giant fur-baby.
The restrictions started in mid-March when cases in San Jose were around five new patients a day. But there’s been a radical increase in the last few months. Things seem to be getting worse instead of better.
At first, I was resilient and took note to make all the changes that were necessary for this new lifestyle. But the denial that I was totally ok created a bigger struggle of repression which I channeled into some old bad habits... Quarantine is a lot harder than I initially thought it would be. I couldn’t imagine it lasting this long and usually enjoy my alone-time at home so I thought it was fine. But the limitations have taken a toll on my entire lifestyle and therefore my mental health.
To break the cycle of sadness I've decided to pretend I’m my own living experiment. No-one should have to deny their suffering but sometimes artists wallow in it, making it their identity. I rather my days be fulfilling, progressive, and try not to get stuck. - Not when I can still make art and magic out of it.
In times like these when you’ve lost so much there’s little to loose, and I want to see what can come from that instead of being miserable over it!"
Mariam Angulo - San José, Costa Rica
142
"I’m quarantined on my sailboat; Adventuress, in a boat yard, in St Augustine, FL. But it wasn’t always this way. Until the end of June, I was in a floating home in Sausalito, CA - I left abruptly, driving my partner’s truck across the country to consolidate my life, in advance of reuniting with her in Costa Rica.
These days, I’m working long, physical hours on my boat, trying to get back on the water as soon as possible. I don’t know when I’ll get back to Costa Rica, as the border remains closed to US residents for the time being - perhaps I’ll sail down after hurricane season ends. The umbrella feeling of each day is I'm missing time with the person I most enjoy being with.
It feels surreal. I have been nomadic almost my whole adult life, and I have a boat capable of taking me anywhere, even around the world. But for the first time I am not able to get to where I deeply want to go. I feel stranded.
I tell myself at least I am healthy, I am employed doing work I love, and I am working on my next adventure. I am in a more fortunate position than many, despite the state of longing.
And Florida. Oh Florida. Few masks. Not taking the pandemic seriously. And hot. These days acceptance is an ever present practice."
Ewan - St. Augustine, Florida
143
"This quarantine turned into an expansive ocean with a vast storm that left me washed up on the shores of nothing. Nothing about who I act as in the world prepared me for this new lifestyle. My studies to become a doctor were forced to become virtual, including career exams and projects. My extroverted free life, usually filled with physical contact, and attention transmuted into an existence far from what I thought of as my reality. I felt guilty... aware of people sick and suffering around me and yet unable to be stable in the priviledge of my safety.
At the beginning the restrictions didn't seem as bad, but as time went on, and with no sense of finality, it was like being in jail. City life was not getting back to normal. Depression, anxiety and vague destructive ideas started to grow inside me while feeling so close and yet so far away from those I love. Every daily issue, as insignificant as it may be, turned into something bigger and made me fragile.
Life in San Jose wasn't feasible anymore, there were too many emotional triggers in my head and I decided to relocate to the old town where I grew up, surrounded by plants and animals. Life here is more tranquil and full of nostalgia.
I've started to feel better. I'm still in the middle of total solitude. But elements like the wind and its subtle lingering smell of salt or greenery, or the sound of the rain while I make coffee, or even watching ants work their way to their homes; these little things take me out of my echoing negative thoughts.
I'm very lucky to have my families land and this type of sacred medicine that nature gifts us daily.
I can see my future self grateful to this pandemic for hitting me so hard and stopping my hyper-social routine in order to make me aware of the greatness of simplicity." -
Dago Mora - Esparza, Costa Rica
144
"I feel both starved for stimuli and overcome by sensory overload. I wish nothing more than to travel and experience the loudness of life, but I also wish for complete silence and stillness. This experience is like an object that is vibrating at such a rapid-hum it appears to be still, or a scream that is so loud and constant we mistake it for quiet after awhile.
I’ve always thought what we consider normality as being surreal... Add the pandemic on top of that, and it’s a level of surrealism that I can’t grasp, or allow myself to grasp rather.
I try to return to gratitude when I feel my mind wanders too far. I’m thankful that those I love are safe and healthy. I’m thankful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I’m thankful that I have people in my life who are ready to listen when I’m ready to talk. I’m trying to remain kind to myself and to others. I’m trying to put into practice so much I’ve learned in recent years about self-worth and boundaries, and muddle through the toxic ideas I’m still trying to unlearn. I’m trying to hold on and let go all at the same time.
At the forefront of my mind; Black lives matter. Trans rights are human rights."
Lauren- Detroit, Michigan
145
“I, along with my husband David and our partner Chuckie, are quarantined on the East Side of Detroit. We've only been in our home for almost a year and with so much mandatory time spent in the house, it has really been showing us what we can do with a space when we want to make it our own.
We were having a pretty tough time from last summer until about the time that the Michigan "Stay-at-Home" order went into effect. Then around March 19th I got sick, really sick. We're pretty sure I was positive for COVID-19 but because I was under the age of 50 with no other major physical health problems, no one would test me. Luckily, I have my partners who stuck next to me, who cared for me with complete attention, and after about 4 very scary intense weeks I recovered.
During this time off we set to work! We rebuilt our garage, made a beautiful wood-sided greenhouse, built a small chicken coop where we are raising 6 hens, started brewing our own beers and grew a garden out of nine raised beds. At first, we were all terrified of the uncertainty that quarantine brought, but as artists, chefs, and medical workers, we're also accustomed to quite a bit of chaos. We dove into ourselves and are relearning what it’s like to be fully us.
We have been so completely immersed in producing and managing in our community of artists, performers, builders and creators, that we've been non-stop, go-go-go, for over 10 years now. To have it all come crashing to a halt was like waking up from a dream, not knowing where you are, where you belong, or where to even begin to move forward from. Not seeing our friends and families as often, or at all, has been extremely difficult for us, but our silver lining is how we have grown as individuals, in our relationship, and our communities are still by our side, even if we can't be together. I don't know what "normal" is going to be like, but I know that we will persist.”
Rabbit - Detroit, Michigan
146
"I moved to Seneca-Nations Territory in western New York on February 1st from Yanawana or San Antonio, Texas. The move was sudden, I got a job and jumped in to being with my long-distance boyfriend. It was just a few weeks before we had any idea a pandemic was around the bend. I left a great majority of my belongings in storage at my parents’ house, thinking I’d be back by April to bring them to our new home. It’s almost September and I’m still not sure when I can see my family.
So much of the first months of lockdown were coated in fear for me, as it has been for many of us. I’m an herbalist and as the virus developed I became more stressed not having a suitable home pharmacy, not having access to the herbal medicines that used to be at my fingertips. Being in New York, I didn’t know the local plants making me feel out of place. I’m in a new environment, all new people, building a new life with my partner and his daughter - and it’s a pandemic. I had to change my approach to healing, thinking about our kitchen herbs and resources. The whole process brought my attention to the huge gap in sourcing our herbs, and food.
Getting to grow medicines, and learn more of the plants here has given me the grounding and comfort I needed. With the seasons changing, I learned that I really do know more plants here than I thought. My garden bloomed and I got used to the new routines."
Rachel Hinojosa - New York, New York
147
“When the shelter-in-place order was announced on March 17th, I was at work. It was sudden and felt like it came out of nowhere. It was instant collective worry. I left work early and headed across the bay to my partner’s apartment, because we didn’t know what would happen - would the bridge be blocked? Would I be trapped elsewhere if I didn’t go right then? None of us expected this to last long, but as reality of the situation became clear, it got...rough.
I’ve lived in my vehicle by choice for most of the last five years. Up until last year, I was very nomadic - switching jobs and states every few months. I was already feeling restless, and to suddenly not have my relied upon escape that I could always leave right now, that no matter what happened, I could always just leave, - that’s been so crushingly suffocating.
I’ve lived in a one-bedroom apartment in Oakland for five months, inside longer than I’ve been in five years and sharing space with someone for the first time in almost a decade. I still don’t quite have the vocabulary to describe how it makes me feel. I know I’m lucky. I have electronics and toys and comfort unavailable to me before. I have a partner who is an amazing human and I’ve learned so many things about how relationships can work even in crisis, things I never expected to engage in and I’m thriving. I also see all my friends and co-workers whose jobs don’t exist anymore. I keep pounding into myself how *lucky* I am, but honestly, I’m still struggling not to let the suffocating despair eat me alive… I try every day to tell myself, if I have to be here, I’d rather concentrate on the good things that exist, because this situation sucks enough.”
M Russ Cartwright - Oakland, California
148
"My boyfriend Matt bought me my dream dog Rosie, a Bernese mountain dog, for my birthday. I took a month off since she was this little muffin fluff & we couldn't leave her longer than 2 hours at a time.
When I started work again, I took Rosie to work with me & we went into the office 3 whole days before our shoot was canceled. When I got the phone call that I no longer had a job I felt blindsided.
Matt kept his job & was working overtime. I was grateful, but I worked since I was 12 years old & it felt gross to be living off my significant other. I rapidly became a shell of a person. I found myself very alone with nothing to occupy my time. I started obsessing over Rosie & my brain was turning into mush. If I didn't have her, I probably would not have left my bed most days. I loved & hated her for that.
We didn't speak to people for months. Its strange that you can forget how... And then shit really started to hit the fan. People all over the world are dying, we have a leader in our country that is claiming it's a hoax, people are protesting shutdowns, masks, science. Tents were going up in our neighborhood to house the sick. My physical health was beyond gone, so we decided to pack up & leave LA.
The deciding factor was Rosie. Give her land to run free on, forests to explore, lakes to swim in, other dogs to play with. Matt pumped the gas & I would sanitize his hands before he got back in the car. We peed on the side of the road & had lunch together on the hood of the car. We talked the whole time about the state of the world, what kind of people we want to be & how we can become them.
I realized that I can't solve homelessness, I can't fix systemic racism, I can't stop police brutality, I can't solve a financial crisis, I can't get my job back. But I CAN use this time to educate myself, to listen, & give my dog an amazing life.
At the end of July Matt asked me to marry him, it was the biggest yes I've ever said! Lots of people grew apart during this time. My mental health surely hit rock bottom, but Rosie & Matt saved me. I love them so much. My now forever family. If I had to, I would drive around with them forever." -
Erin A Boyle - Long Island, New York
149
"When I self-isolated in March, I thought my dreams had come true, I’ll be able to be in my first apartment solo with nothing but my books, paper, and thoughts. For months, I completely separated myself, working all day, writing all night, and not practicing any self-care. Under the surface, my anxiety and depression were slowly suffocating me and I couldn't see it.
I was in the bliss of creativity. Then a man was lynched in broad daylight. May 25, George Floyd passed away and every single cell in my body re-activated. My fear of the virus was no match for my desire for justice. Everything I believed to be true came to the surface and I knew real work needed to be done. I gave what little was left in my body to activism because Black Lives Matter.
The waves of feelings didn't end. They came in crashing, when I suffered my first panic attack. I lost my senses and I lost my words. Thankfully an incredible team of doctors helped me slowly returned to the light of existence. I am beyond grateful for the sentient beings I have in my life, my family, friends, and work-family, all who love me unconditionally. In the process of my awakening, I realized an important factor about myself, one that touches the essence of my feminine powers. I do not have the strength to say my exact definitions aloud at the moment, but I did find these words to meet me where I’m at.
They Who Shall Not Be Tamed
I am tired of socially constructing my existence to make others comfortable.I think, therefore I amShe who lives without boundaries, born into the Divine FeminineI know no rules yet adhere to law and orderDefinitions suffocate me into a cage I do not belongWhy must love be defined within your walls, for I am a wild thing, let me be free."
Amy - Miami, Florida
150
It’s hard for me to come up with the words to describe what this photo-series has meant to me… Today is 150 of "This is Quarantine." That’s almost 150 people I’ve had the pleasure of taking a pandemic-portrait. 150 days of consistently posting an image and story daily.
When I began I never imagined it lasting this long, and honestly, I’ve had a love hate relationship with it. A lot of energies and intense narratives moving through my day. It became my outlet, my sense of purpose, and my validation. -- It is also what I will look back during the time of COVID-19 and consider my greatest gift and accomplishment. I feel really emotional today creating this last post. I’ve always had a compulsion to end phases of life wrapped up like a present and tied with a bow. There were times I had no idea how to bring this project to a close and that felt appropriate in the throes of not knowing when I would experience any sense of relief. It would end when it’s meant to, I would tell myself. As you can imagine there’s a perversely fastidious piece of me that is so satisfied with an unplanned conclusion on day 150 reunited with my girlfriend in Panama City airport on our way to take hiatus at my family home in Key West. I’ve craved this moment over the past 5 months during times of profound loneliness, unrest, panic. On days when it would rain in the jungle and I’d soak in the bath. On nights when I was scared, and the power was out. I’ve lived in a state of longing and in all my travels I’ve never needed to be held more than I have in this moment.
Thank you is limp rolling off my tongue in comparison to the gratitude I feel towards every individual who participated in creating this time capsule with me. Thank you for holding me up in ways that were beyond the physical. I connected with life-long friends and made new friends I’ve never met. I’ve absorbed your words of wisdom that I didn’t have before and received encouragement in the sentimental messages from those who were invested in following/donating to “This is Quarantine.”
I hope your future-selves look back on this as something very precious archived and solidified for you. We are still in limbo, unsure of what the future holds. I hear the collective suffering, growth, and resilience. Love you all. Will remember you all. Stay strong, you’re fabulous every day, even the ones when it’s a struggle to move!
Alexandra - Panama City, Panama